i'm doing all this growing at the moment in the weirdest ways, bits of my heart expanding and shrinking and all this wondering going on in my little brain. i think the miracle of being a human is that we're just, y'know, cells and stuff all stuck together with human glue, and yet there's these feelings that happen to those cells that are outside of physical stimuli. like feeling happy, or nervous, or proud. it's pretty strange and wonderful, really.
as time passes, i get increasingly comfortable, or at least resigned to, this very thing of being human. weird feelings and stretchy parts in my heart and tingly feet. i love it all. and even when the things hurt, the adjusty bits, the change, all that ... even all that is a thing to love.
imagine if a new start was as easy as pushing a button, though. i wonder what i would choose, and how i would set up my life furniture, and what the list of things i'd say instead of things i've said might look like.
i think, overall, i wouldn't push that new start button. i think the peace i occasionally get to feel flashes and glimpses of is hard won, and i want to enjoy it, with its history of bad decisions and unhappy parts and scratchy bits. because there is also the happy, and the nervous, and the proud. and those parts, all of them together, are the funny thing that is my life. and it's mine. and i love it nonetheless.