30pictureschallenge: Day 7

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this is exactly how i'm feeling today, and probably a little bit tomorrow. reasons for these feelings have been expanded upon below:

firstly, i've embarked on the part of my study where i panic and become certain i shall not pass my exam. there is a very real possibility of this, and it will be my own fault if i don't (see above: i feel stupid). it's that awkward situation where i'm not actually stupid, but trying to read number problems that are said in words makes me panic, then try to calm down, then read it again, then panic. it's internal panic. it's a silent scream. the silent scream of someone who is very scared of numbers and things she doesn't understand.

secondly, i've re-embarked on my gym routine in the quiet hope of righting all the wrongs within my poor body. the bits that are wonky, the bits that are out of whack, the bits that vaguely remember what it was like to function properly. those bits are going to get sorted right out, and i am loving the moving about again. but boy, it makes me tired in my body, and hungry for more than the sensible healthy food i am eating. but i'm already feeling better after a week or two. so i will be good to my little self. (see above: i feel tired, i feel hungry).

it's no secret that i am quite, quite fond of caffeinated beverages. and that they help with coping with the other things that are maybe not as light and fluffy as you might like. tomorrow morning, i am going to have breakfast at the goldfish bowl and have probably 2 coffees to go with those eggs on toast. and boy oh boy, i am already looking forward to it (see above: this coffee will change all of that).

i think the important thing is, even on the tired hungry stupid days, and we all have them, to have a coffee in the horizon, or at least the prospect of metaphorical coffee.

mmm, metaphorical coffee.

30pictureschallenge: Day 1

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life is a funny thing. my life is a funny thing. i'm never quite sure how to approach it; some days it is friend and some days it is foe. it's a complicated relationship, but i love it nonetheless.

i'm doing all this growing at the moment in the weirdest ways, bits of my heart expanding and shrinking and all this wondering going on in my little brain. i think the miracle of being a human is that we're just, y'know, cells and stuff all stuck together with human glue, and yet there's these feelings that happen to those cells that are outside of physical stimuli. like feeling happy, or nervous, or proud. it's pretty strange and wonderful, really.

as time passes, i get increasingly comfortable, or at least resigned to, this very thing of being human. weird feelings and stretchy parts in my heart and tingly feet. i love it all. and even when the things hurt, the adjusty bits, the change, all that ... even all that is a thing to love.

imagine if a new start was as easy as pushing a button, though. i wonder what i would choose, and how i would set up my life furniture, and what the list of things i'd say instead of things i've said might look like.

i think, overall, i wouldn't push that new start button. i think the peace i occasionally get to feel flashes and glimpses of is hard won, and i want to enjoy it, with its history of bad decisions and unhappy parts and scratchy bits. because there is also the happy, and the nervous, and the proud. and those parts, all of them together, are the funny thing that is my life. and it's mine. and i love it nonetheless.