Friday Feminism: Facebook debates

An interesting thing happened to me recently. I posted a thing on my Facebook page about masculinity, and the role of feminists in discussing masculinity. I had a response to the post that I couldn't decipher as either friendly, or trolling, or downright disagreement. It wasn't particularly clear. So I wrote something back to further clarify my point, and the response to that made it very clear that this person had all kinds of feelings about what was allowed and appropriate for the discussion of masculinity.

Apparently, there is no place for feminists in this discussion. Apparently, feminists should leave the discussion of masculinity, in all its problematic glory, and just stick to shit they know, like girl things including promiscuity and domestic violence. The girls can play on this side and the boys can play on this side.

I think what disturbs me the most about this whole idea is the suggestion that women cannot be a part of a discussion of men and how men view masculinity. That there might be such thing as a men-only area. That the discussion was only relevant to men. 

Women and femininity have never EVER been a women only area. Women have had to work for many years inside of spheres created for them by men. We have been told for years what it means to be a woman. We have been told and shown when we aren't acting the accepted feminine and womanly way. We have been told and shown how to move and act by forces greater than us. By men - the men who took and continue to take on powerful roles in creating consumer culture, the men who wrote and write the histories of the world. 

We, the women, have been beaten. We have been abused - physically and emotionally and mentally. We have suffered merely for being women. We have been yelled at by strangers. We have watched our children be beaten by men. Beyond that, because men can be beaten too, we have hoped and prayed for the safety of our brothers when they're out at night on weekends in country towns. We have loved those that have beaten us, or are beating us. We continue to pray and hope for no violence. No fear. No challenges. No upset.

There is a problem with the culture in Australia. I converse with friends on this issue frequently - headlines lately are full of king hits and deaths and proposed bans and curfews and solutions. It's been pointed out (most recently that I particularly took note of was Leigh Sales on the 7:30 report) that severe penalties put in place for alcohol related violence are well and good, but what of years of history of domestic violence? It's all violence, and it all deserves strict penalties.

The drinking culture of Australia paired with the hyper-masculine culture that exists in our country needs to be talked about. Who is trying to sell this version of masculinity, and why are we all buying it? What are the outcomes for us all in the face of such a mind set?

My feeling is that those men that fall into a hyper-masculine role are men doing their absolute best to fit in. But it does none of us any favours, because the fear of not measuring up to what is understood as an expectation only serves to feed the hypermasculinity. A desperate act to conform to an ideal which is frankly unappealing only perpetuates the constant need to measure up.

I might identify as a woman, but I also know men. I live with men. I love men. I have a father and two brothers, a stepdad and stepbrothers, best friends and family and a circle of male friends whom I love as fiercely as life itself. These men, they are not all one thing. They are not the tallest of men, but they are not the shortest either. They are neither the largest nor the smallest of men. They are not the politest, or the rudest, or the strongest, or the weakest of men. They are not always the bravest, but neither are they the most afraid. They can talk about the tough stuff or the silly stuff. They offer hugs as freely as high-fives and handshakes. 

Goddamn it, they are all just themselves and I love 'em for it, in spite of and because of it all.

These men I love, they are not without their flaws. They often don't realise they might make women uncomfortable. They don't call their friends out on sexist or misogynistic jokes. They have learned how to objectify women from countless experiences handed to them on the silver platter of popular culture, and so they do objectify women. 

This part of our culture, this is why I write my rants. This is the part I want us all to think about. But hey, listen in, and listen good. We're in this shit together, kids. All of us, men and women, live in this world. To think that men and masculinity exist in a bubble from which women and femininity are excluded is laughable, idealistic and short sighted. 

If our culture is problematic, then let's fix it. If traditionally accepted masculinity creates a cultural environment that causes problems for women as well as that we want to change, how is it ever an issue for women to contribute to the conversation? If we're raising a new generation of boys, which I really truly feel we could be - and which will help move us much closer to equality between the sexes - we need the mothers to be speaking and acting the same talk and walk as the fathers. Isn't that clear and obvious? Isn't that a no brainer?

I am fond of the parenting mindset that is encouraging of conversation; to bring up what your sons think it means to be a man, and to show them that being a man is many things. As a parent, male or female, the impact you have upon your kids gets written into them. To say "hey. You don't have to be the most powerful boy in the playground to be a real boy" may have a longer lasting reach than you realise. To say "hey. Even when the ads on TV and the movies and TV shows show the strong, fast, mean guy getting the girl and winning the race, don't forget that in real life you're allowed to pick the things you think are coolest, and that's a better win than any race", and all that message might mean to a young man.

So listen, friends. Feminism is not a dirty word. Don't let it colour your reaction to things people want to think and share with others. I think lowering your hackles and just thinking this through, you'll see what I mean. You'll see that men excluding women from the conversation leaves gaps that equate to a devastating loss for humans in general. I think the give and take of civilised conversation between men and women could be just what these issues need to gain momentum in the larger sphere of the world. And then we can all be the change we want to see.

Friday Feminism: “We need feminism because … Equality for Women is Progress for All”

I wrote this for the next edition of Nucleus, UNE's student newspaper - it should be out sometime this week, but this is what I came up with, anyway.

Because I'm out of practice with my writing, it took me a long time to figure out what I wanted to say. I didn't want to whine about all the things that are wrong, although technically I have pointed them out anyway, in this list. I also stole from the blog a little, but nobody reading it at uni is going to know that, unless you tell them.

Here is what I wrote:


March 8^th was International Women’s Day. The official United Nations theme for 2014 is ‘Equality for Women is Progress for All’. For me, that means calling myself a feminist, and believing in feminist causes. 
 

When I call myself a feminist, this is what I mean: I'm 28 and unmarried, free to use birth control, believe in a woman's right to choose, am pursuing further education, work to support myself, spend my money how I please, spend my time doing things I enjoy (some of which have no conceivable contribution to society), have actively involved myself in contributing to society, have various friendship circles, have developed my own politics and life philosophy. I make big and small decisions based on what I want my life to look like. I do all these things wearing what I want. I encourage others to do the same, and I'm aware that as a white, middle class, educated woman, I am incredibly fortunate and privileged compared with many others in the world. I am knowingly lucky, and try my best to make the most of all this opportunity. I do my best to exercise compassion and care for others, regardless of our similarities or our differences, but I reserve the right to fail at these lofty aspirations occasionally.

I believe I deserve to walk in the world feeling safe, and heard, and respected. I believe every human deserves that right. I believe women and men should be equal, although equality may not look the way we think it does. In the world we all inhabit, sometimes we are equal, and sometimes we aren't.

If any of this list applies to you (particularly the last part about women and men being equal), well then, you're probably a feminist too. Oops. Feminism: it’s not just for girls.

So now I’ve established that all of us are feminists I assume the rest of my article basically writes itself. I am a privileged woman and I can only really speak for myself, but I do say this – the sooner that women and men are equal in all the ways, the happier the world shall be. And that’s this month’s theme, right? Happiness.

For the sake of a theme of happiness, I shall offer up some ideas about how awesome all the things might be for all the people in an equal world. It will be a numbered list, because that is something that makes me happy.

1.       The Celebration of Everything – Girls could play football in the mud and enjoy a spot of sewing pink dresses to wear. Boys could play house and have a thing for big trucks. Women could be strong and tough and cry in public. Men could confess their insecurities to their friends and make tough decisions under pressure. A person wouldn’t even have to call themselves a man or a woman if they didn’t want, and no-one would find that a threat. The thing that makes humans amazing is the many discrepancies. In an equal world, we would allow all those parts to exist. Heck, we would celebrate all those different parts of a person.

2.       Strengths and weaknesses would be re-defined, so that anyone could be a hero. So that emotional was no longer equal to feminine and logical was no longer equal to masculine. So that being emotional did not cancel out your stakes in the fight, but neither would logical responses make you unfeeling.

3.       Everyone would be a breadwinner and a stay-at-homer. And neither one would be worth more than the other according to the law, according to society or according to ourselves.

4.       An hour of a woman’s work would be equal to an hour of a man’s work.

5.       Everyone would walk safe in the world– women would not be targeted for attacks of a sexual nature, men would not be targeted for attacks showcasing a warped sense of ‘asserting masculinity’. Nobody would be attacked because they didn’t look or ‘act’ like a man or a woman. The makers of laws would show the same level of motivation in addressing victims of domestic violence as addressing victims of king hits.

6.       No would always mean no, and yes would always mean yes, and there would be no alcohol/attire/attitude-based excuses for misreading the simple fact of the matter.

7.       Nobody would ever be excused from unacceptable behaviour because of ‘biology’. Seriously, how is this still a thing? “Boys will be boys” should not equate to prevalent rape culture in male-dominated sports. “Throwing like a girl” should not equal with weakness, or second-best, or second-class.

8.       Bodies would be off-limits as a site of demonstrating power – women would make decisions about their bodies in real and meaningful ways. Laws would not be written removing women from their reproductive rights. No-one would die having needed to break a law just to make a personal decision.

9.       Anyone who was brave enough to put their hand up to run the world or the country or the state or the city or the business or the department or the meeting should be able to do it based on merit, and not on any other factor.

10.   Amazing popular culture that actually lead by example, teaching girls, boys, women, men and everyone else that their heart and mind are cherished beyond any physical characteristics. I believe this to be the biggest wish of them all…

You see, equality for women can be progress for all – a natural extension of this epic wish list is that any person who has been victimised or devalued or disempowered would step out of the margins into this same world and be equal. Homophobia and transphobia and racism and classism and any ism you care to name, gone the way of sexism. Progress! That’s what I believe feminism to be working for.

While we feminists are humans, and bound to get things wrong sometimes, just like everyone else, we have heart and passion and courage, too. The world, and women, need feminism, for the sake and passionate pursuit of equality.

 

Friday Feminism: ALL the ideas

Hey lovelies!

I started on Friday Feminism last year in September as it became a topic I wanted to expand upon more and more. I had some great feedback which I really appreciated, and so of course I plan to continue with it this year. There are all sorts of ideas bubbling about in my brain, and while I haven't got a post on one of them ready for today, I thought I'd share with you the sorts of things I want to investigate more this year, as that will probably set the tone of my blog posts.

So here's a list, which I may or may not adhere to. I make no promises, except that there will be words on Fridays, and they will be about feminism. Also, some of these might be podcasts... or even vlogs... just for the sake of experimentin'.

• women's groups, feminist groups, female friendship
• zines & zine culture, including riot grrl zines, my zine making, the zines of others (maybe zine reviews, even)
• acts of feminist rebellion
• women I admire vs women who confuse me
• more in the 'your body is your body' series, looking at body positivity, labels like fat and skinny and healthy and fit and curvy and all of the things
• feminist fashion
• intersectionality with a bit of a discussion on what kind of feminist I am
• sexuality and a bit of gender studies theory dabbling
• my favourite books written by women, as well as ones I've been meaning to read
• Bechdel-testing movies and TV shows
• imagining a feminist utopia and trying to figure out what might help to get us there
• feminism in social media- trolling and fighting in the comments section

There's a few meaty topics there, but boy oh boy I am excited to give this list a red-hot go.

Anything you'd like me to discuss? Just let me know in the comments.

Let's do this!

Friday Feminism: on smiling like you mean it

there is a difference between smiling and being happy. in thinking a little more on how to expand upon this sentiment i have guiltily harboured over a great many years, i can't quite remember an exact time when i was told that it was good for a girl to smile. nevertheless, i somehow knew this, and have known it for a long long time. it's more appropriate to smile than frown. fake it 'til you make it, honey. smile, it might never happen. turn that from upside-down. smile, it can't be that bad. smile, nobody wants those ugly frown lines. why don't you smile? you're so beautiful when you smile. smile, and the whole world smiles with you.

i call bullshit. there is a difference between smiling and being happy. sometimes a smile is just baring your teeth, and that seems more like a scary savagery to me. 

the thing that i always feel, the instant that someone tells me to smile, is that they somehow believe that their need to see happy people around them is more important than me choosing my own facial expressions. their need, not mine. smiling doesn't make me happy, one way or another. i don't buy that. i'm not saying we don't smile when we're happy - that's when i'm most likely to smile, but one does not necessarily follow the other. 

the well-meaning folk might not even know just how offensive i find it to be told to smile, and i try to be generous, and give them the benefit of the doubt. being that i know it's more their issue or insecurity, i keep the choice remarks from slipping out of my mouth. no, i'm not having a bad day, sometimes i'm just doing my job, and nowhere in my job description is it specified that data entry must come with a side of smiley face.

there is a difference between smiling and being happy. if i am not happy, i hardly think being told to smile by someone who doesn't know my business is going to turn it all around for me. 

it comes to a few much bigger issues. 

1) just how scary it is for people to be ok within themselves that they are not happy all the time. but a person cannot be happy every minute of the day, and that is ok- not a failure or a flaw. i have a lot of days where i'm not ecstatic or even happy as such, but it doesn't mean i'm anything less than content with my life. or sometimes i'm not even content with my life, but i'm ok with having those days. because i'm a human. it's not unusual and it makes the true happiness that much sweeter.

2) the expectation of women to cover over the truth of how they feel for the sake of keeping up appearances is just total bullshit. like it's in a man's power to say a few magic words, and a woman will suddenly drastically have all the crap they're inevitably dealing with wash away like it was a triviality. like a woman's ability to feel other emotions besides a need to appear pleasant to strangers detracts from her deep and significant beauty. 

women are told to smile by strangers on the street. sometimes it's yelled out of cars. if these hollerers, these unknown men who feel so free and easy to comment on and order about the faces of women they do not know, were hollered back at, how would they like it? sadly, i fear the truth is that there are not a lot of women who would respond with the requires bravery, for fear of what might happen. and i think that's a thing to not smile about in and of itself, frankly. 

women are often the pointed end of a punch line for such unacceptable human habits as: feeling feelings in public, getting upset about being treated badly, having opinions they don't keep to themselves, talking too loudly, expecting decent human behaviour, and other overly emotional aspects. to be told to slap on a smile and cover it up is simply ridiculous, and undermines the reality of what might end up being suffered in silence. 

if what you mean when you are telling someone to smile is that "you don't seem very happy today. I wish you were happier right now, and I want to be there for you to help you be happy"' then say that instead. feeling like your inability to smile at whatever you've been dealt that day, or week, or month, makes you another level of failure when you're really not, you're just fine. it's actually alright if you're not happy today. you're not a failure for having a day that leaves you angry, sad or even 'meh'. i suppose this post might come off a bit grumpy, but i truly believe in each person's right to be themselves. being told to cheer up, as an order, is sometimes a hard thing to hear. it's unfair to tell someone who suffers depression that all they need to do is smile.

you're a lovely wonderful human with all of the feelings, so feel them, if you want. feel them all over your little face. the rough weather makes the good weather just fantastic.

so smile if you want to, and don't if you don't. you're ok just like you are, whether or not i can see your teeth.

and i haven't even touched on my favourite fallback, which is 'i'm not unhappy, i just have bitchy resting face'. 

more on this another time!

Friday Feminism: go forth to the internets

the thing that's really got me back on track with blogging, and more specifically feminism, is that old chestnut, The Internet. they'll let any old crazy on there, and if you want proof of that, look at the comments section of pretty much any feminist post ever. Inevitable Stupid Men (actually, some of the stupid ones are women, too, to be fair), commenting away. it's a thing, look it up.

the fact that they'll let any old crazy onto The Internet (ok, i'll stop capitalising that, it just amuses me today) is not only a curse, it is a blessing. for i am also a crazy who is allowed on there. I, Me. i can crazy around on there with the best n worst of 'em.

internetocracy? everyone has an opinion, it's just that some opinions are better than other ones. i am right about this, truly i am. there are some spectacular idiots online, trolling away at their things, but there are also the geniuses of the online world, and it is those people i will be giving my air time to today.

let's start somewhere, shall we?

1) one of the bloggers i started following very early on is the belle jar (see what she did there, with the sylvia plath reference?) because of this post featured on the outlier collective. it's basically a bit of a list about how to be a feminist, by listing 10 signs that feminism might not be the right fit for you. it's a clever way of pointing out the human tendency to be idealistic in some areas and then fall down in others. there's a few diamonds in there, including things like: "feminism isn’t anti-man – it’s anti-patriarchy, which is completely different" and a quote of Zooey Deschanel which goes: “We can’t be feminine and be feminists and be successful? I want to be a fucking feminist and wear a fucking Peter Pan collar. So fucking what?”. nice use of 'fuck', Zooey (marry me?).

she who writes for the belle jar also talks about women judging other women, or really feminists judging other women on their bodies: "But you know what? Bodily autonomy. Bodily autonomy means that you get to do whatever you like with your body, and other women get to do whatever they like with their own body. End of story."

it's a great piece to start with if you're already of feminist leanings, as it real beats home the fact that feminism is not a special club or a fashion statement or a competition of oneup(wo)manship.

2) hollaback! is an online organisation that has websites & people in charge of them for a great collection of cities on the states. i find myself keeping up with hollaback! boston, because one of my sometime-favourite bloggers britni, who writes for herself at fiending for hope also works with them. this piece on women taking up space in public transport inevitably led me to 'move the fuck over bro' which creates quite the controversy by publishing photos from people's phones on public transport when a guy takes up ALL the space and leaves none for the rest of us - we all know this guy, right?

taking a few steps back there, hollaback! is encouraging women to feel able to share their stories about everyday harassment in a safe situation with sympathetic ears awaiting. as a woman, there is no way i can emphasise enough just how important and calming a receptive pair of ears can be when you have a street harassment story to share. it's important to be heard, and that's what hollaback! is all about.

3) so, i've been lucky enough to have the opportunity to do social media part-time for lipmag.com, who i will now proceed to spruik here, just a little bit. lipmag is a free online magazine (well, they're also all papery as well, when it's possible) with heaps of new content, every single day (except maybe Sundays, but even feminists need a day of rest). since starting to work for them a few weeks ago, i have been blown away by the quality of the content, and its consistency and regularity. plus, there's something there for everyone, because there's the inevitable feminist issues that the rest of the online feminist world are talking about, but there's also a feminist take on many things of popular culture, including dr who, thor 2, all of the books and movies and musics, events, things! one of my favourites is the 'feminist of the week' segment, like this one, because it's nice to hear things about other enthusiastic feminists who are going to be changing the world.

a thing you should do, for giggles and whatnot, is to follow Lip on Facebook. that way, things will pop up into your life on your newsfeed, and you can click on and read the things that sound interesting to you without having to remember to visit a website on the regular. so if you like, do that.

4) tired yet? just one more to recommend, for today anyway: Daily Life. it's an Australian site built with women as its target audience (but it's for everyone! all the everybody! c'mon now!) and aims to blend news and lifestyle issues of relevance to women. i love today's front page, for example: the rise of the blow-out bachelorette party, the reason there's not more female heroines in video games, is eyecream a real and effective thing or just a tiny jar of moisturiser? (i have often wondered this very thing myself). my all time favourite writers of all time for this site are the Clems - Clementine Bastow and Clementine Ford. Clem Ford, in particular, is probably my favourite Australian article writer (what do they call those? columnist? writer of news? what?). she is brave and smart and good with her words, and fucking unapologetic, which makes me love her. read this article on 'how to spot a misogynist' to get her at her best. best best ever. bestest.

the important thing about that internet is to take every little thing with a grain of salt. i feel there's a lot of beauty in the world. blogging opens things up for each of us to stake out our little piece of opinion piece, and i've been really enjoying the sense of connectivity i feel when reading a particularly amazing blog, a piece of literary brilliance or bravery where the writer has made you feel feelings that wake you up and make you strong with anger or pride or the need to incite change.

happy internet, everyone. go forth, and be a feminist. it's not just for girls, it's not.