30pictureschallenge: Day 1

www.explodingdog.com

life is a funny thing. my life is a funny thing. i'm never quite sure how to approach it; some days it is friend and some days it is foe. it's a complicated relationship, but i love it nonetheless.

i'm doing all this growing at the moment in the weirdest ways, bits of my heart expanding and shrinking and all this wondering going on in my little brain. i think the miracle of being a human is that we're just, y'know, cells and stuff all stuck together with human glue, and yet there's these feelings that happen to those cells that are outside of physical stimuli. like feeling happy, or nervous, or proud. it's pretty strange and wonderful, really.

as time passes, i get increasingly comfortable, or at least resigned to, this very thing of being human. weird feelings and stretchy parts in my heart and tingly feet. i love it all. and even when the things hurt, the adjusty bits, the change, all that ... even all that is a thing to love.

imagine if a new start was as easy as pushing a button, though. i wonder what i would choose, and how i would set up my life furniture, and what the list of things i'd say instead of things i've said might look like.

i think, overall, i wouldn't push that new start button. i think the peace i occasionally get to feel flashes and glimpses of is hard won, and i want to enjoy it, with its history of bad decisions and unhappy parts and scratchy bits. because there is also the happy, and the nervous, and the proud. and those parts, all of them together, are the funny thing that is my life. and it's mine. and i love it nonetheless.

Friday Feminism: keep your head up, keep your heart strong

i wasn't going to talk about the hard stuff until i was well and truly into this feminism series, but i've had that sort of few days in a row of things that are tough, and a text message from a friend who is feeling the same way, so i thought i'd talk a bit about how i deal with my tough days. tough feminist days, in particular.

it's been a tough few weeks for feminists and women in general in australia. tony abbott, newly sworn-in as prime minister of australia, has made some decisions that are a definite cause for concern. women's issues, as well as indigenous affairs have been taken on by tony abbott's cabinet themselves, which mr abbott says means they will be at the centre of the government as whole-of-government priorities.

it sounds nice, except that mr abbott has made some pretty disturbing statements on women in his off-the-cuff press over the past 12 months. his attitude towards julia gillard, our former PM, as a woman (the scariest kind: the kind with more power than him) was disgusting, and wonderfully addressed by her in this speech.

my little brother commented on facebook yesterday that women are in trouble with this turn of events. i'd say we're all in trouble. a country that is lead by someone who has chosen a cabinet with only one woman, who has chosen to be looking out for women's rights when he actively and vocally undermines women's roles in our society, be they the average women on the street (or at home with a baby on one arm and an iron on the other) or running for election with all that sex appeal... a country with a leader like this is a country regressing to the 1950s, a country that is an embarrassment in the global community. men and women, we're all in trouble.

the problem is that once you start to care, or even just start to inform yourself, it's impossible not to feel disillusioned with the situation here. there's a reason i took a bottle of whisky with me to a friend's election party a few weeks ago.

i've had one of those days today where i just wonder about what the point is, exactly.

as i observed via text message, sometimes it's hard to be a human, with a heart. people are awful. they're killing the planet, they're killing each other, they're being mean and making me sad.

so how do you be happy in the face of all that?

you have to keep caring, and you have to keep talking, and you have to keep doing. you have to keep your head up, and your heart strong. we need the people who care and who see the wrongs to have the motivation to change things. we need you to keep imagining how great the world could be and trying to do things to change it. that's why i've started with the Friday Feminism.

besides that though, here are some things i did today to make me feel better:

1. i slept in til i felt like getting out of bed
2. i got a coffee from my favourite coffee shop, the goldfish bowl. it was creamy and delicious
3. i went and sat in the park and read an essay by clem ford in the book "destroying the joint" which is motivating and inspiring and highly recommended
4. i ran into the lovely ellie who i will soon live with, which is very exciting
5. i followed her into her work, which is a used book store, and sat myself down in the feminism section
6. i bought 4 books, which i promise to review/drop into blog-versation sometime soon
7. i ran into another friend donna, who i caught up with sitting in the park talking about our lives and our plans and our things
8. i ate a delicious salad sandwich (i said yolo and ate the bread too, because today life feels short)
9. i bought a new scarf from my favourite opshop
10. i collected a pretty dress i had on order and it fits perfectly and is colourful and lovely
11. i drove maude around town and had my window down and played this cover of "say it ain't so" and sang along obnoxiously
12. i made plans for dinner and comedy with my friends

estelle tang wrote this piece for rookie that i firmly believe in.
birdee also made a handy list of 32 things, in case my things are not enough - read this article. 

you will observe that being out and about and seeing nice people is basically the logic behind this day of feelgood. the temptation is to stay in and pretend it's raining, but it's really not raining (if it is raining, i apologise. all bets are off. stay inside and watch a breaking bad marathon, and try again tomorrow). i highly encourage the act of dragging oneself out of doors, dressing up in your favourite thing and going for it. remind yourself what you're trying to save, or help, or improve. remind yourself why being a human is a good thing, and recharge those passion batteries (help... i can't think of a better metaphor).

cups of tea are also great.

in conclusion, keep your head up and your heart strong - the wise words of ben howard, covered below by a lady i found on youtube.

#30daychallenge Day 30: highs and lows of this month

this month has been one of those months where everything happens. there's been a bit of a run of bad things this week, but i'd prefer to keep them to myself- the people who need to know have my list.

i've been mentally preparing for this post the last few days, but today it doesn't seem right to write another bullet-pointed expose into my life. i've been thinking a lot of my online life vs. my real time life, and how well someone who is connected to me online actually knows me.

i've been thinking about this in part because my ex observed to me in an email on the weekend that it looks like things are going really well for me. they are, in the grand scheme, but it really drives the fact home to me that my Facebook life (and even my blog life) are really not representative of a whole life. you can't read between the lines and know everything about me from these things. the real life friends have sat down with me over coffee, wine, beer, breakfast and talked to me. asked me questions. listened to my wandering rantings.

 it makes me wonder though, just what place angst has on the internet. i certainly don't go out of my way to read it, and try not to write it anymore than necessary; angst balanced out with humour is probably the most acceptable form, i think. tavi gevinson (yep, her) talked in her opera house appearance about how negative emotions are glorified as a creative force, and how she struggled with creating anything at all when she was having some personal battles. i think she's right, in the face of all my processes. it's harder to write the sort of thing a person might like to read when your heart is very very heavy.

how to be a writer, and explore the scope of humanity, without putting you all off with ALL of the feelings?

how to be an online presence, a Facebook bookfacer, and be honest? it's weird. it's very weird.

i have enjoyed putting myself through this 30 day challenge, for everywhere i go it seems the advice for writers from other more successful writers is to write every day. so write i have, and have been rewarded with your interest. thanks for reading, for dropping by, for your comments. that's certainly been one of the highs of this month.

big love to all.

#30daychallenge day 8: a moment you felt the most satisfied with your life

it's mostly in retrospect that you pick the happiest or most satisfying moments in life. for me, happiness is satisfaction, and so that's how i've been thinking about all of my moments up to this one right now, trying to decide on a particular one about which to write.

probably some of the happiest i've already covered; these were particularly special ones that might be scenes in movies made into montages with something like M83 or Florence + The Machine as background music. honestly, they're mainly snowboarding/whistler moments. they've been written, and i'll leave them be, for now.

being satisfied, of late, has been a pretty simple thing for me, and more likely to be scored by The National or even local hero, Dustin Tebbutt. there's been a lot of deep thinking, a glass of champagne, a wood fire, some furry puppies snuggled into my side and a book or a notepad. i'm finding great reward and satisfaction in writing at the moment; i'm reading a lot to be sure i keep up with what everyone else is writing, and i'm loving using my brain again.

it's satisfying also to be driving home on dusk, surrounded by oranges and pinks of sunset, perhaps pumping some tunes from Horrorshow or the new one from Baby Bee, contemplating what's for dinner, or which part comes next on my new bunting creation project, or which movie to watch when i get home.

it's satisfying to meet new people, drinking New Englander Brown Ale at the pub on a friday night, or to plonk myself down on a couch at Kate and Phill's for dinner, banter and explodey movies.

it's satisfying to get back into my gym habits with the knowledge that i have a new super-physio who is going to fix me good; satisfying that i have super-purple runners that are shiny and new and all kinds of supportive (it's good to appreciate whatever support you can get).

you may have picked the theme here: it's that every day is satisfying in its way, and i'm so enlightened these days that i'm appreciating the heck out of all of it. also, some of the best moments of life are underscored by an appropriate soundtrack.

treasure: oh, Canada!

so listen: I'm just going to come right out and say it.

there are days when it rains a lot and you have a headache and generally, it turns out, you're failing a little bit at life. 90% of the time, I love my life. the other 10% i think, damn I wish I'd stayed in Canada.

today is Canada Day, and I'm too far away to be able to get my hands on some Clamato juice for Caesars, or $10 worth of wings at Crystal, or wedges with the infamous Butt-Rub mayo from Dusty's. No Eggs Benny from Wildwood for me (no side of Banana Bread french toast either).

there's no green grass by picturesque lakes to sit on today, either; no snow-capped peaks to surround me; no fresh pow to shred; no bears to thrill/scare the bejeezhus out of me.

oh Canada, I miss your face. the shitty bits of Canada have fallen away to the sands of time, and all I really remember now are the friends, the good times, the all-consuming sense of possibility and non-sensical lack of responsibility and need for decisive behaviours. floating through 3 years of living out amongst the seasons, knucking down for the freezing cold or the hard-to-come-by sunburn, adapting to the weeks on end of rain, the overnight 30cm messing up the bus route but answering your prayers when you awoke to the sound of avi bombs exploding.

I miss the downtimes in the village between seasons, where you get to spend time getting to know the long-termers who have made their lives in Whistler and are not just passing through. I miss the peak season for the parties and the nightclub dancefloor (but no, not the lift lines or the queue out the door of lift coffee co. for a hot beverage).

I miss my friends; my Whistler family. I miss you all so much, and am lucky to have a few of you who followed me back to Armidale (because I got here first). I miss all the food we ate and the ski days we smashed and the apres we soaked up. happiness, plain and simple.

next year I'm going to visit Whistler, Canada, and I'm going to love it all over.

until then - Happy Canada Day.

secret: beautiful is not skin deep

look, sometimes i think deep thoughts. this particular breed of thought has been floating around in my brain a good long while now. and i don't think i'll quite cover it in one blog. because parts of it have a tendency to be quite ranty, and it's weekend time and i'm all mellow and whatnot.

it's hard to be a human sometimes. it's harder still to be a happy human; there are always going to be those times where you feel like shit and have a strong suspicion that goes alongside this feeling that you, in fact, look like shit. unhappy people, or let's be honest, me when i am an unhappy person (because that's the only real authority with which i feel comfortable to speak), tends to be a bit down on my levels of self-awesome.

ok, and to add to that, it is my opinion that humans are not meant to be happy, as far as this wonderful world full of shiny things is concerned. after all, if you are happy and fulfilled, why would you buy a footspa, a wafflemaker, books you may never read, unlimited brooches from etsy? and then where would we all be? jobless, homeless, cold. this is my very basic understanding of capitalism. i stubbornly refuse to look into fleshing this explanation out on account of an ex-boyfriend who has made an academic career out of things surrounding and pertaining to this very question (he was against it, but it didn't stop him enjoying the waffles, did it?).

there are plenty of things in the world out there that are geared towards making us feel we're not enough - we're not smart enough, we're not fast enough, we're not rich enough, we're not thin enough, we're not pretty enough (ask kasey chambers). but the hint is that perhaps if we bought some more stuff, maybe then we might be a little happier.

i'm completely guilty of all of this. i'm somebody who opshops when their room is already filled with things. i like shiny stuff, i cannot lie. and i own a lot of clothes. like, a lot. and books ... well. at some point my brain processed the thought that books = safety. and so now i line my walls with them, almost literally. i figure at very least they're insulation and maybe kindling if it comes to that... you know, when the world ends.

but i digress. if we never feel ok with ourselves we'll keep spending our money. and truthfully, i don't think humans can be happy all the time, but we could probably work on being a little less unhappy.

the main way in which i've been noticing and processing the unhappiness of humans is our connection to our physical body. man oh man, that's a tricky one. as far as my own physical experience allows as a woman, yeah, hella tricky. note how carefully i don't say women have it worse than men. i guess it's a tricky for each individual as we allow it to be.

NB: this is a huge turnaround for me - i'm a feminist at heart, but have been working a lot on making distinctions between my own experience and those of others. that way, people can hopefully identify with things i say as being a reality of my life, and i'm not ranting too much. i may end up ranting though. i have some opinions, in a most human-like way.

recently, i've been noticing increasingly how life is a push to always be better, faster, fitter (more productive), thinner, stronger. strength and betterness i can get behind. since i was probably 11 or 12, i've been well aware of that push. it comes from everywhere, and of course let's blame the media, whomever they are, as well as the things and the stuff. but really, i wanted to go grassroots here and suggest we do it ourselves (DIY is so hot right now) or we help each other out with maybe taking a bit of control over the monolith of Push.

the Push to be beautiful. beauty. what a notion. it's powerful but it's completely subjective. it's been invented over and over. why does it matter what anyone else calls beautiful when we are the ones that have to live with ourselves?

self-help, kids. what i mean by 'beautiful is not skin deep' is that we can decide on our own, if we want. and then we can go out and be beautiful. and not push, unless we want to push. perhaps beautiful is not the most sensical word to apply to a man, but i think you're picking up what i'm putting down here - perhaps it's just taking a good long look at what motivates you to be yourself, what bits fill you with joy, and which bits are dark and bruised and tender.

for me, being a beautiful version of myself is doing what i want to do, as often as i can. checking in to make sure the means to my end are worthy. you're right, it's pretty easy to write and feel from a place of happy, which is where i am now (generally; most days).

in a physical way, my mentality has developed over years of hate and discomfort to this: be healthy; be strong; smile at yourself in the mirror (even if there are pudgy bits hanging over the top of your pants), get sweaty and love it; eat food; if you want chocolate, eat it and enjoy it and then continue about your day without regret or mental flagellation; do squats; enjoy the day-after muscle ache with a tinge of pride; be proud of your good decisions and forgiving of your mistakes and moments of veering from your planned path. just stop saying negative things about yourself; if there are things you want to work on and it helps you tell someone your goal to keep you on the path, tell them, then do the work required. propel yourself forward right into your life.

“You don’t have to be what other people want you to be. You don’t have to be interesting or agreeable or entertaining. You don’t have to tone yourself down, quiet your voice, or hide your feelings. You don’t have to be outgoing or spontaneous or sociable. You don’t have to be thin or beautiful or anyone’s definition of attractive. You don’t have to be anyone other than who you authentically are, and you sure as hell don’t have to spend your time and energy trying to convince people that you’re worth keeping around. The right people are going to recognize your worth. They are going to respect you, appreciate you, and accept you, without forcing you to compromise who you are. Life is too short, and your happiness is far too important, to make room for anyone who treats you otherwise.” ~ Daniell Koepke

i know it's not easy. to figure out how to be happy and then to be it, that's an undertaking worthy of a whole life. beautiful is not just skin deep. it goes beyond your bones. ignore those things out there that make you feel like you're not worthy, or that you will only be happy when you get to a size or weight or shape. ignore as hard as you can, and when you have a slip and accidentally listen to all those things out there, go back to the mirror and smile at yourself. think a little on how pretty your eyes are, take yourself out for dinner and a movie, reset ready for the next morning.

the unhealthy decisions we make are always guilty, always over-do it, always confirm the whisperings of that nasty voice telling us we don't matter enough to take care of. go for a walk listening a song like Ben Howard's cover of "Call Me Maybe" and think some deep thoughts, or put on "Waiting all Night" by Rudimental featuring Ella Eyre. and just boogy. my logic here is to move your blood around til it's warm and happy again. it's not science, i'll admit. but there is science to back up the whole exercise = endorphins thing. believe it. just don't think that simply exercising will straighten your shit out. this requires careful thought, and you are worthy of the time.

rant over, for now. probably more to come - who knows how much more i might have to say on the subject.

... [if you're] a person of intelligence, a person of integrity, then you're considered a minority in this world ... And it's going to be really hard to find messages of self-love and support anywhere. It's all about how you have to look a certain way or you're worthless. For us to have self-esteem is truly an act of revolution and our revolution is long overdue." ~ Margaret Cho

secret: a love note to Friday night

dear Friday night,

I've been waiting for you. You smell like clean hair, you taste like beer and lasagna. You sound like a wonderful cover of Daft Punk's "get lucky", by San Cisco . in the past, maybe I have taken you for granted. but tonight, I realise how lucky I am to have you as a permanent fixture in my life.

thank you, for being there. I will not waste you needlessly; I will not regret you; I will always speak of you with fondess. I will treat you the way in which I would like to be treated- a quality so often lost on others I loved.

peace, love and cold brown ales to you, Friday.

treasure: the top 5 posts

being that i've now written over 400 posts on this blog, i got to thinking about my favourites. there's a nifty stats page which tells me the most viewed posts i've written. they're all posts i'm proud of. here they are, in case you're curious:

1. This post about snowboarding. I still maintain it's the most fun you can have with your pants on.
2. This post about tattoos. I have another, which I will share a story about soon.
3. This (other) post about snowboarding. A story of the last day of my first winter in Canada.
4. This post about coming back to Australia. From almost a year ago now. Crazy.
5. This post about the boys I love. I still love them all. This love is huge. I'm going to try and drink a beer with all these people by the end of 2015.

I've enjoyed going back into the past to re-live these moments. And maybe that is what having this blog is all about. Life has been wonderful so far. I can't wait for what comes next.

secret: each day

i really like this idea. birthdays are a little bit magical, aren't they? even when they're just a normal day for whatever reason, like having to work or go to school or they're midweek so you're waiting for the weekend to celebrate. still, even in these instances, a birthday is a bit special.

i always feel invincible and loved by everyone. kind of sparkly, nervous and excited. you just don't know what might happen on your birthday. there are tasty treats, like cake and glasses of champagne. there are gifts great and small; handmade cards and bottles of wine (crossing my fingers for whiskey this year), phonecalls and text messages and Facebooks. Love.

Today felt sort of lovely like a birthday- I got up early (so hard to drag myself out of warm bed; I may have stayed up too late last night finishing a series of a tv show) and crept around making a hot drink and putting on gym clothes. I left 5 minutes early to defrost my windscreen before starting the van. Everything was frost-covered and glittery, my breath was clouds of fog, the van was grumpy, but participating. The glorious chill of New England winter was everywhere. It wakes you up and clears your mind in a way that's hard to resent. For it is good to be alive, and don't let anyone tell you different.

treasure: rainy tuesday happiness

despite the cold, rainy day and the fact my hair is definitely not photo-shoot ready, despite my tummy ache from eating wheat last night (in the form of delicious chocolate cheesecake, so worth it) and despite the fact i have to work instead of watch the Armidale Eisteddfod like i'd like to, i'm actually having a lovely day.

maybe it's the fact that i drove a manual car (a van, no less) to work without stalling or crashing this morning. maybe it's the fact that i finally seem to have figured out how to dress weather-appropriate for Armidale. maybe it's the lovely people with whom i shared that delicious chocolate cheesecake last night, reassuring me that Armidale is not devoid of awesomeness (it just hides inside, where it's warm). maybe it's the large chai latte i'm sipping on, filled with warmth and sugar.

or maybe i'm just happy anyway, and all these things are lovely whisperings of noise in the background. it's good to feel happy.

today, i am basically the opposite of grumpy cat, which i figure is happy dog.

secret: the art of fitting in/the art of belonging

I'm realizing that I've spent a lot of my life waiting to feel as though I fit in, acutely aware of the fact I didn't feel that way. 

I grew up on a farm but never wanted to be a farmer. I was a girl growing into a woman but could never get my makeup right, my hair from getting frizzy, could never fit into the pants that were in fashion. I mean, I still don't- I'm not made for pants.

I'm intelligent but I've never felt particularly smart, I'm musical but have never mastered an instrument, I'm creative but rarely feel sure about sharing my work. 

I'm acutely aware of what needs improvement, but not so quick to brag. Occasionally I will, or at least act to draw attention to myself. It gets boring constantly telling yourself that nobody notices you. And I don't necessarily always believe it. 

I am happier being the girl who has a serious boyfriend or is single and waiting for someone worthy to come along- I'm not a one-night kind of person and while sometimes I wish I was, ultimately it's not my style. 

I don't fit into a pick-up scene, boys don't tend to chat me up in bars and I don't think it's because I'm hideously ugly, I just think I don't put out the signals that you need for the required attention. 

Despite this list of social failings, occasionally, I have moments when I know exactly where I belong. These are the satisfying moments where I write something that people like reading, or I get a letter in the mail from a close friend, or sometimes it's just one of the many moments alone where I'm completely comfortable in my own company. I do better on my own, when I'm happy about it. Which I mostly am.

The thing I hold onto is the moment I have now and then, when I'm just struck by the feeling of being home. I felt it today, at work, halfway through some data entry, pumping some music from a friends band. I feel it when I get out to mums house and her dogs are so excited to see me that they howl a little. 

I got it on the weekend when I made the bed at my new place and I realised I was one step further away from the memories of being one half of a whole (couple). I realised that I might eventually be a whole on my own, all of the time instead of just some of the time. 

I'm realizing that life, for me, is going to be a search for those moments. I'm going to have to make peace with the fact that I'll spend a lot of time compensating for the fact I don't feel as though I fit in. 

The best part of all this angst, because that's what it is, is realizing that it's not something unique to me. I know very few people without doubts, especially at the ripe old age of 27. So I'm reasonably normal. 

Except for the addiction to wasabi peas and the recent interest in both mills & boon and Kurt Vonnegut. Maybe I'll call it research for a best-seller. Something with some middle ground. 

You out there reading, you're not strangers, you're my friends. You're probably my friends because you're a bit awesome and have some quality I wish that I had more of. Thanks for being there for me to write to. Sorry for the confessional crap I've been posting of late, and the silly pictures. I love writing always, but I'm discovering that I also love writing when I have an audience.

Thanks for reading. 

Here's another silly picture for good measure: 

treasure: new room, new hair, butterscotch pudding

i got my hair cut and also dyed it purple. its my all time favourite colour to dye my hair.



and i moved house and have a new room with all my shit in it, including fairy lights i've been wanting to put up the whole time i've lived here.

and the mountain is going to open on friday, and there's just a whole world of potential, and on top of that, there is butterscotch pudding in the fridge.
love.

treasure: Halloween onesie times

so mega thrift store score today...

halloween is upcoming, and i was all set on going as a zombie, until this sweeeeet poofy skirt came in, then before i knew it BAM! angel wings and matching angel halo headband.

but then... a bottle of fake blood.

so now i'm all confused. but i think the girly sparkly angel option might be fun. last year i was a dinosaur. times of fun, times of absolute brilliance: hugh in his emo spiderman onesie, me in my amazing dinosaur onesie.

we were both feeling really half-assed about the whole halloween concept, on account of being ri-donk-ulously hungover from the night before. we both sat on the couch mumbling about it for a few hours, along the lines of "we got the costumes" "yeah but i feel like shit" "yeah me too" ... then silence, then one of us would get a text message about a pre-drinking occasion at a friend's place, which we would debate the various merits of before making a non-decision. this silence would be interrupted by another text... we were invited to pre-drink with 4 different groups of people but we neglected committing to anything.

then 8.30 rolled 'round, at which time hugh managed the motivation to grab the bottle of fireball (we had agreed at our house there was to be fireball available at all times. also, chocolate milk). we downed beers and shots while getting ready, giggling more and more as the fireball kicked in. we had one bus option before all public transport stopped for an hour (it does that in dead season for some stupid reason). when we got to the bus stop hugh realised he had forgotten his spiderman gloves... NOT THE GLOVES!

he raced back up the hill, up 3 flights of stairs and back in under 5 minutes. he was running down the hill as the bus came round the corner.

picture, if you will (as an imaginary bus passenger): a guy dressed in a pretty much skintight spiderman suit with mask, gloves etc, running at top speed down an icy hill, with a girl in a bright green dinosaur onesie, complete with dinosaur head, alternately laughing hysterically and yelling "go spiderman go!!!" at the top of her lungs.

needless to say we got a huge cheer when we got on the bus... i haven't yelled that loud in public since then.

fucking good times.

day 17. someone you would want to switch lives with for a day and why.

i actually quite like my life. i have a job i like, i have great housemates and lots of friends i like. i have a nice place to live, and in 2 months i will be going snowboarding, which i love.

the only thing i'd like is some occasional sex. but not enough to switch lives with someone.

i guess if there was someone out there who was paid to snowboard because she was so awesome, owned a car, had some cute guy who wasn't her boyfriend but who was easy...

i guess i'd probably be her for a day... one amazing powder day.

treasure: laugh laugh laugh

or at least, at very least, giggle.

secret: cigarettes, alcohol, wishes

i'm not sure what this post is about, but i am all whimsical tonight- i had dinner, wines and tobacco with my lovely housemate nicole, and another friend jon, and now i'm sitting on YouTube listening to covers of songs i love by randoms with webcams. they'll let anyone on the internet these days (i mean, look, they let me have a blog).

I am on the verge of my first whole weekend since i finished up at my second job. I have many glorious plans, like dancing all night on friday at DJ nu mark (who is apparently a big deal, but i just like to dance, i'm not fussy), watching a cheese rolling competition and then slopestyle for crankworx, a big bike festival which is on at the moment. crankworx makes me miss my lovely brothers, who would be so much more stoked to be here than i am. i spoke to them both recently, and woke up homesick this morning.

i'm on the brink of something. time to myself. writing, music. the air, the flowers (so many daisies by the side of the road). realizations. i'm scared.

bring it on.

treasure: music

not to be too dramatic or anything, but uh, without music i would die.

i'm so in love with my july playlist, i don't want to let it go. i'm sad it's august, and it's time for a new playlist. because i love love love it. anyway, i guess discovering new stuff is what keeps me happy. i want to make some more music of my own.

my all time best music experience lately was getting drunk with nicole and sitting on our balcony, singing harmonies for 'space they cannot touch' by kate miller heidke. the first time i ever saw her play that song was years and years ago, before she was on the radio. she played at woodford folk festival in 2003, and i was in love (foolishly as he turned out to be a crazy person) and blissfully happy in the ridiculous queensland tropical summer, sitting on a mountainside, sweating from everywhere, gloriously uncaring of every crappy thing in the world for the pure joy of sitting with my bare feet in the grass, with a teeny breeze, listening to a chick with an amazing voice.

the point of it all is, music listening is the one thing that i am always happy to do. whatever mood, wherever i am. it makes everything better, even if it makes you feel worse, for the enhancement of melancholy ... i like a little melancholy now and then (i hope i am spelling it right).

i am glad i can play guitar. i sang a song for nicole and she liked it. so now i feel brave. maybe soon i will record some things.

i like pleasure spiked with pain and music is my aeroplane

... is my aeroplane

treasure: matt

when i moved to canada i was shit-scared. of all the people i didn't know, of all the cars being on the wrong side of the road, of the fact that i had to learn to snowboard and i had no balance, hand-eye co-ordination, or general finesse (everyone please note that i have learned to snowboard and love it... duh...).

i only knew hugh, my little brother, who i had not lived with or spent any quality time with since he was 13. a bit of a gamble.

it needed to be done, the Leaving of Home- nothing at all was going right, and i only realised the extent of the general shite-ness of my past life about 3 months into my extended vacation. i did lose a boyfriend, and i am sorry about that, but i guess you can't fight fate, or something.

i've met many awesome people in whistler town, quickly making the discovery that while everyone is really friendly, not everyone wants to be your friend. so it helped to have my brother there with his surprisingly good taste in people, and so in this way i met matt.

matt is funny and has the exact same taste in music as me, so i like him on that basis alone. but there is so much more to it. matt and i were drunk text buddies for a while, in order to try and avoid texting our crushes and ruining things. to be honest i think i did better at this than he did.

not to get too deep or any such thing, but it is hard, when you are trying to figure out exactly who you want to be, when you've moved countries and no-one knows you, and you have free rein, to be the best version of yourself. it helps to know people like matt, who introduce you to such fun things as london fogs, and nightclubbing.

so i hope that one day soon i will be living with matt in revelstoke, and everything will be sweet. admittedly right now this is just a crazy dream. but i think we can make it happen.

here's a nice song for matt.

treasure: mountains, mountains, oh mountains!

i have fallen in lust and in love with the rockies. they are all i have been looking at and thinking about for the last 5 days, i have fallen damned hard.

i think i need to be near mountains always. ones with snow on. how can i ever go home now i know how much i love the mountains?

and riding in winter. mmm. is it bad to wish it was winter again, when summer has really only just kicked in? i feel like everything is just one big wait for winter. i am such a winter person. riding and apres and warm headwear (give me another winter in canada and i'll be calling a beanie a toque). powder powder powder.

i send a prayer to the snow gods: give me another good powder season.

then i think i might do a year of double winters. it's getting serious.

basically, this has the makings of a long-term relationship.