secret: the soundtrack of your life, part one

There are some songs that find me forever 17.

When I was 17 I was a beautiful mix of music, poetry, angst and idealism. I spent much of my time just being hard out in love with people who hard out did not love me back.

I was cocooned in the safety of parent's money and food on the table 3 times a day, clean sheets and clean clothes and care, lights on when I got home. I drew things and made things, sang things and wrote things and holy fuck, my little heart was so open, so joyous and so vulnerable. 

How ferociously I loved. How vigorously I scribbled and cut and pasted, how carefully I coded my poetry to hide the love it was bursting with. I marvel at my 17 year old self and her sheer bloodymindedness at being constantly rejected and loved and never really being aware.

I'm all too aware now. A heart can only stay open to all the horrors of the world for so long before it hardens over, just a little. I'd tell my 17 year old self to tell everyone how she felt, even though my 28 year old self finds that damn near impossible. 

I listen to '1979' by the Pumpkins and am putting the finishing touches to an end of school mixtape. Dragging my fingertips through the air with my arms out the window of someone's car adorned with freshly minted P plates (how did our parents ever trust us enough to let us go?). Embarking on my first real relationship with my first real boyfriend, not knowing what a struggle I'd put myself in for, just heady in love with somebody beautiful to deigned to love me back. That was enough, and I didn't know any better.

I listen to 'Nothingman' by Pearl Jam and I'm right back into the torn up pinstripe flares dragged on underneath my school uniform in a faux show of rebellion. Why don't I have any photos of this? We were punk in the way Smirnoff Ice is alcoholic, we were alternative in a mode of carefully constructed layers of tie-dye and nose piercings. I'm happy I've kept my nose pierced, a relic of my 16 year old self in one of her few moments of rebelling against parents who gave her every little thing she wanted except maybe being able to attend more parties.

When I was 17 I felt so damned invisible. I felt angry that a part of me wanted to get the best marks in the class, and another part of me wanted to burn the world down. How do you reconcile the two of those? How do you figure out who to be? I wanted to hurt people to be sure they cared, but I also wanted everyone to love me for always, to know all the secrets and be someone's everything. 

I'd never have picked all the things that would happen to me, all the loves I'd have had and all the times my heart would have broken by the time I was 28. 

And perhaps I hold it a little less loftily high than I used to, but love is still all I think about, one way or another. 

"Shakedown 1979, cool kids never have the time

On a live wire right up off the street

You and I should meet

Junebug skipping like a stone

With the headlights pointed at the dawn

We were sure we'd never see an end to it all

And I don't even care to shake these zipper blues

And we don't know

Just where our bones will rest

To dust I guess

Forgotten and absorbed into the earth below

Double cross the vacant and the bored

They're not sure just what we have in store

Morphine city slipping dues down to see

That we don't even care as restless as we are

We feel the pull in the land of a thousand guilts

And poured cement, lamented and assured

To the lights and towns below

Faster than the speed of sound

Faster than we thought we'd go, beneath the sound of hope

Justine never knew the rules,

Hung down with the freaks and the ghouls

No apologies ever need be made, I know you better than you fake it

To see that we don't even care to shake these zipper blues

And we don't know just where our bones will rest

To dust I guess

Forgotten and absorbed into the earth below

The street heats the urgency of now

As you see there's no one around."

1979, Smashing Pumpkins

#30daychallenge day 4: my views on religion

firstly i really have to acknowledge that when i personally speak of religion, at this point that goes not much further than christianity. having done some small, back-cover-of-book reading to investigate buddhism in particular, i concede i am not a knowledgable source. i don't actually even know that much about christianity, really. so.

i have a rather loose and liberal view on religion. we weren't really raised any one way; much like the political 'upbringing' i mused upon in an earlier blog, our religious knowledge was almost something we came upon on our own. in fact it was so transparent i'd be interested to know what my brothers have come away with from that shared experience.

we were taught that some people believed different things, that it was ok to be different, that we should find out for ourselves. i realise we were given a fairly broad spectrum and that while this gave us less to be suppressed by, it also gave us less to rebel against.

i knew my paternal grandparents went to church, and when they were older, some man person would come to the house for some reason, and we'd play quietly in another room. we never really talked about this, but i assumed it was some adult thing meant not for me, and happily went back to my book. similarly with scripture at school, i enjoyed thursday mornings for their diversion from regular schoolwork, but once i got past a certain age made no hesitation in asking for permission to read in the library while scripture lessons happened to the others. perhaps that's why i love books so much - they took the place of this jesus guy, and the god guy, and moses, and something about a baby in the reeds? and a sea got parted at some stage. oh, and noah with the animals on the ark. plus, carols at christmas and a whole lot of talking and hymns at easter.

that's about the brunt of it, as far as my childhood self was concerned.

i've made no secret of that fact that i got dumped for jesus at the end of my first serious relationship (i hesitate to say first adult relationship, as that would require actual adults). i can very easily make a punchline of it, but suffice to say the way i was treated and the things that were said to me turned me quite a bit off organised religion and christianity in particular. i understand ultimatums as a way to get your kids to bed, for example 'go and get into your pyjamas or no more tv for you' may be effective, but the thing is, delivering ultimatums about something so important and personal (as in, really-not-your-business) seemed problematic at best, and a plain old shitfight in reality. especially since i'd done my best to understand what i was dealing with, read up on some new testament, all that.

the next guy i dated was an atheist.

honestly though, that didn't work out so well for me either. i tend to think religious beliefs may not be the only factor, and instead focus on others such as 'do you actually make me happy?' or 'exactly how many things about myself have i changed so we can continue to date each other?' or even 'what are your prospects?'.

as time as passed i have met and made friends with people of all shades of religious fervour. the yoga-centric whistler world was a lot about deep breathing, muscles and a touch of something spiritual and sparkly off in the distance. one of my lovely long-distance friends practises a deep love of the earth, of animals and her lovely dog, of crystals and humanity. some of these things i had previously scoffed at, mainly as my mum has this sort of background herself.

i've come full circle, i think. while i suspect that organised religion is not for me, and perhaps a divine power in the shape of a person or thing is a bit of a stretch, i feel that you can be spiritual without being religious. hear me out - speaking as i often did with my aunt Sally about my granny, we touched on her beliefs a little bit. as i noted above, there was this sort of closed-door whispery church behaviour happening, but what made granny believe in and feel closer to her version of god was being outside, under a blue sky, in the garden. if you can believe in the good of things, i think that's a great start. it's hard to do in this world we live in.

we'll leave it at agnostic for me, thanks. as my facebook profile says, i believe in karma. and snow. karma because i think it's important to be nice and do nice things for people. snow because, well, have you sat at the top of a mountain before? that's a kind of magic that is undeniable.

for further information on my kind of religion, see below- 

secret: top ten reasons to attend your upcoming highschool reunion

Recently, I've bumped into a few people around town who I know from highschool days. Each time, I bring up the reunion and sadly there is very little in the way of enthusiasm as a response.

So I thought I'd break it down into 10 simple reasons in the hope that a few more of us will show for what might potentially be an awesome night!

1. Sure, you've kept in touch with your friends from highschool, but what about everyone else? Aren't you curious to know who's become a movie star, a real estate mogul, a corporate high-flyer? There are people I barely knew in highschool who I'd be very interested to hear about.

2. See who got fat, who got fit, who had kids, who got married, who got together, who split up. This one is basic human nature; there's bound to be a few surprises. Find them out first-hand if you attend the reunion!

3. Victory. Did you get bullied in highschool? Firstly, take a minute to be glad we didn't have Facebook yet (I hear that shit's nasty as far as bullying goes), then think about how good it is going to feel to march in there as a successful adult and most likely have your childhood bully be perfectly civil and adult to you. 10 years is enough time for the assholes to grow up, learn their lesson (I believe in karma, most definitely) and probably hold down a polite conversation. It'll feel great! Personal development!

4. Check in on your random highschool crush. There's always one person you thought was cute who didn't move in your social circles. What if they got more attractive and are single and you're now just their type? We're having a reunion at a pub; social lubrication plus attraction plus novelty value may potentially equal love, marriage, and something to show off at the 20 year reunion.

5. People are still doing awesome things. At 27-28, some of us have settled down, but some people are still travelling, studying, partying and who knows what else. Maybe a conversation with that guy who sat next to you in rolecall will inspire you to visit Mongolia, South America, Scotland. Maybe it will reassure you that you haven't missed anything. Maybe it will help you feel less anxious about the fact you haven't actually got it figured out yet.

6. We're all in this together. Everyone I've spoken to about the reunion, whether attending or no, has expressed their doubts and nerves about the event. We all find the idea of hanging out with people who saw us at our daggiest, most clueless and puberty-fueled to be anxiety-inducing. We all find it a bit weird- there's no-one marching into this who thinks they're the boss of everything.

7. There will be alcohol. You don't have to face these people completely sober if you don't want to.

8. Maybe you'll actually make a new friend. Personally, I hope to make contact with a few folk currently living in town. I live here at the moment, and have gradually caught up with a few of the Class of 2003 who are also living in our hometown. Unless you make a habit of hanging out at the supermarket or going out every weekend (neither of which I can afford to do), it's hard to run into people you know. Best to get them all in a confined space and demand their friendship. Every person I have run into from the mystical past of highschool has been friendly, even though they weren't in my immediate circle of friends. We've all had our different adventures but it's nice to compare notes. I think, from the small sampling I've enjoyed, that we're all pretty cool, really.

9. You get to hang out with your friends. Even though I keep in touch with highschool friends through various social media and also sometimes via text message, they all live in other places and I don't get to see them that often. You're all spread between Brisbane, Sydney and Melbourne, and it would be nice if you came back to town for the weekend to catch up! I'm hoping to see these people outside of the organised events too, and not stand about in little groups of people who you know well and possibly also live or work with once we're at the pub. Still, it will be nice to know you're there as a safety net.

10. Who doesn't like parties? If thinking about who will be there and what they'll think of you is too much, just consider it as another night out at the pub. That's a whole lot of strangers; these people have braved their nerves too and want to have a good time. So they're friendly and approachable strangers, which are my personal favourite kind.

I hope I've been somewhat convincing - I was on the fence about this idea at first, but really, it just has so much potential, and don't forget the novelty value. These only come up once every ten years!

I really hope I get to see as many of you as possible there, I'm looking forward to meeting you all again as an adult, remembering that Facebook is not representative of a whole life, and sometimes it's good to hang out with humans. So I'll see you soon- make sure you say hello!

day 07. a picture of someone/something that has had a big impact on you.

i think really for me, the biggest impacting factors in my life have been books and music.

so many great amazing examples, but i've been thinking carefully to track it back:

the first books i read that made me cry. i got so depressed in the 3rd one when robyn killed herself to save the others that i cried all weekend.

the realisation that someone can create something fictional that draws you in, makes you attached to the characters to the point where losing them is like losing real friends... that definitely had a big impact on me. they're hardly award-winning prose, but i loved them. they're also the first books i was told i wasn't allowed to read because i wasn't old enough yet. obviously i thought 'screw that' and read them anyway.

it made me want to write, to create characters that other people get attached to. i don't know how i would go killing people off, but it's something i really want to try, writing to capture my audience... that's why i want to write teen fiction. i want to move people the way i was moved by these books.

and OK computer is my musical 'big impact'.

i think i was 16. i bought this album in tamworth while mum and i were on a shopping trip.

i bought it because a boy i liked told me radiohead were his favourite band, and i wanted to know more about him by listening to music he liked. it was rainy and we drove back to kentucky and i put it on in the car and it blew my freekin mind.

listening to radiohead opened me up to all sorts of different music, because radiohead taught me that sometimes you have to persist with music, to let it grow on you, so you can hear all the parts, the hidden bits...

and that's the story behind that.