secret: i was only sleeping (and eating and drinking and all of the things but blogging)

I've been on holidays and it's been lovely. Tonight I have book club and tomorrow I will tell you all about it ... all of it.

secret: everything was beautiful, and nothing hurt

It's nearly the end of April. Our family beach holiday has set us down by the Pacific Ocean, a salty liquid body that laps up upon other shores far from here.

There's been sun and pleasant weather for days on end, an array of foods, coffees and beverages. Sometimes too many of the red wines, but their medicinal quality by way of sleep excuses me from having to justify them. Perhaps it doesn't, actually, but with incredible strength of character I might save that chestnut for another day.

Large expanses of water seem to make me rather pensive. I've been working the contemplative stare into the ocean in a big way this week. I like to think it makes me appear mysterious and beautiful, like I'm a girl in a movie. I've figured things out too, so it's not all for show.

For instance, it's a lie that everything is beautiful, and that nothing hurts. But it's a beautiful lie; a motivation, a goal. Sometimes I wonder if my little brothers have made it there. For my brothers, life is a series of selfies in amazing places, beers, beautiful women and adventures. I don't think I'm them, though. My abs are not anything like their abs.

I've been thinking today that I fancy myself as a romantic. I've been pissed off for months now about how sensibly my last relationship ended. I made a somewhat adult decision and now instead of trudging through an increasingly shitty deal, I get the chance to be free and happily single. It sounds good, and it probably will be, I just have to adjust my idea of myself from someone who believes in love above all else to someone who believes in myself above all else. And that's an idealistic love situation too.

Self motivation comes across as a bit hokey, but I think I'm sitting peering into the Moment of Truth, that precipice of adulthood that not even all adults get to, and I'm just trying to give myself the nudge to jump. Actually, that's a terrible metaphor, but that's all you're going to get.

I think I'm going to shoot for Sensible Romantic, a Romantic of the kind that can draw on an oversensitivity to melancholy to write and create, working in and allowing for some poetic staring into the night time ocean, hoping I get a chance at love that makes everything beautiful with nothing hurting.

The Sensible part is the part where I hold down a full time job while working towards a Masters, rid myself of the headaches and weak ankles, maybe pay a bill on time, be a friendly friend type, and save money for global adventuring.

All this staring at the ocean has set out these parts to myself in a comprehensible fashion, given me a deep breath in and a goal or five. If I breathe out a quiet "everything is beautiful and nothing hurts", then time by the beach has been time well spent.

Or something.

treasure: large bodies of water

Holidays. I'm relaxing into this one, that's for sure.

I've been thinking some deep thoughts, but also making sure to catchup on my YouTube time. It's been a pleasant mix, all nicely blurred in with swims and holiday daytime drinks.

Time like this is a good opportunity to take stock of where I'm at and where I want to be next. I've been scrawling reflective writings which I will share after clumsily cutting away the angst, all those feelings neat and shiny in a row.

Act III, in which Helen Attempts to Play It Cool.

Here is the view out the window of my holiday room. Don't hate me coz you ain't me.

treasure: family holiday

We're on a family beach holiday. We arrived this afternoon, my brother and me, after an airport greeting and a stop for groceries and a drive north along the Pacific Highway that brought us to Seal Rocks.

We've not done this family holiday thing before, and the novelty itself is entertaining. The beach is below us, within walking distance, a pretty bay for swimming and sitting to look at from a deck with a table and chairs provided for putting feet up on, faded outside cushions for lounging on after morning swims.

I will be reading all the books, swimming at least 2 times a day (and maybe at night) and having naps. I will mend myself, the bits that make my brain sore and hold me back from the satisfaction I demand.

All the books.

day 16. another picture of yourself.

mum took this when we were on the peak to peak, when she came to visit me this summer.

i love my mum.

treasure: mountains, mountains, oh mountains!

i have fallen in lust and in love with the rockies. they are all i have been looking at and thinking about for the last 5 days, i have fallen damned hard.

i think i need to be near mountains always. ones with snow on. how can i ever go home now i know how much i love the mountains?

and riding in winter. mmm. is it bad to wish it was winter again, when summer has really only just kicked in? i feel like everything is just one big wait for winter. i am such a winter person. riding and apres and warm headwear (give me another winter in canada and i'll be calling a beanie a toque). powder powder powder.

i send a prayer to the snow gods: give me another good powder season.

then i think i might do a year of double winters. it's getting serious.

basically, this has the makings of a long-term relationship.

secret: i'm scared that if i have holidays for too long, i won't want to go back to work again. ever.

my job is assistant manager at a thrift store. sounds like the coolest job on the planet, right? well mostly it is, but i have a fairly intense boss, and i have a big workload too.

i currently have 2 weeks holidays, which makes me dizzy with excitement, except that i will get used to not having work run my life, and i won't want to go back. so. what to do?

perhaps just... not. go. back.

but then i can't afford to stay in whistler, and that makes me do a sad face :(

if i can't afford to stay in whistler then i cannot snowboard, drink excessively without any need for excuses, or see small black bears.

and small black bears are RE-ALLLY freekin cute.