how often do you tell someone you love them? and when is too soon? when's the right time?
i speak not of romantic love, but of bromance, except it's tricky you see, i'm not a bro.
what i mean is that i am surrounded, in the luckiest & raddest way, by people i love for different reasons. i have all these joyous connections with people, and a strange fear of telling them i love them. will it change the relationship, i wonder? part of me feels that the very strength of some of these friendships is the lack of necessity to constantly vocalise or validate.
these mainly are my relationships with boys. girls throw the 'L' word around (no boys, not 'lesbian') with great ease. but many rewarding and solid relationships in my life have been with boys. i trust the sturdiness of mateship.
i grew up with brothers, and those very boys have grown to be my best friends in the entire world. anyone who has spent any real time with me will notice i am constantly referencing them, texting them, Facebook bantering with them...
truth be told it breaks my heart not to see them every day. i would do anything for either of them, and that's not falling into the Hallmark category of 'just something you say'; i'd rob banks 'n' shoot people.
i love them, but i don't actually tell them very often. does that matter? should i, just in case? after all, we are just humans in soft squishy shells, and none of us will last forever.
so many of the people i love are boys. i hope, as far as a friend goes, i am fairly easy company. i enjoy nothing more than shooting the shit- beer and banter. i hope that all these guys i count as friends know that i have the capacity for more serious conversation if they ever need one, but i suspect we're all more comfortable with the arrangement we have.
it takes a lot for me to trust someone, even/especially to feel comfortable around people. i'm great at feigning interest and faking friendships, or friendliness.
if someone passes my tests, and i'm not sure i'd even be able to consciously tell you what they are, then i love them, and it takes a lot to shake that. i am generally not wrong when it comes to friends (with a few notable exceptions, but boy have i learned from those ones) and i'll forgive a lot from someone who's made that switch in my mind from 'happy aquaintance' to 'beloved friend'. by this i mean, if you've killed someone but it was with good reason, i'll probably help you hide the body. i don't know what says 'i love you man' in a more emphatic way than that.
my friends solidify me. they make me certain i exist on those grey days when it's hard to be sure of anything.
the easy and unasssuming friendship and company i take from the boys (nearly men) in my life is grounding, is gravity.
so let it be said here: I love you, and i thank you for being exactly what you are to me in this one short life i've got. i've written this with the following people in mind:
stu: for celebrating with me when things are awesome (like pow days) and commiserating with me with things are shitty (like when bitches be crazy). for calling to check i didn't have concussion after being hit by a skier early this season. for making me get out of bed to lean against a post and drink another beer, even though i'd thoughtfully put myself to bed.
hugh: for your consistently spot-on music recommendations. for that six months in whistler. it was the first six months of the rest of my life, and it was an honour to have you in such close quarters for it. for your 21st speech: not for the delivery of the speech, but that 4 hours earlier you asked me for help selecting an adjective while putting together the finishing touches. i know you love me too buddy, even though you never write back to my texts.
cam: for talking me into boarding instead of skiing. thank fuck. for always letting me smoke your cigarettes when i'm drunk. for agreeing to live with me next season; the light at the end of a dark tunnel. for the aussie $50 note that you left in my care: i still got it safe n sound buddy!
mitch: for always insisting we need 'sweets' and for the extra-large helpings of icecream. for consistently calling girls 'love' and answering your phone with either "hey bud what's crackin' ", or "what's up fucknut". for "moses twist" by bliss n eso. for your sushi boardies.
phill: for the comedy, for the GNARly enthusiasm. for pushing me to get just a little radder on the hill than i would have done otherwise. for being the raddest rider on the mountain. for my "first text when i got back to Canada" after my vacation. for your mad yo-ho diablo skills.
fabel: for showing me supertroopers and cooking an amazing dinner in one night. for all the comedy, specially those motherfuckin snakes... the texts that made me laugh out loud. for the free mangoes. for your 'meh, fuck it' mantra. for your mullet.
andy: for that pow day on Harmony with Kate and Phill, even though i rode like shit. for all those movies, with high levels of anticipation for the dubstep aliens. for being my company the night a few weeks ago waiting to hear how my stepbrother's surgery went.
matt: for being my drunk text buddy last season. for pavement, and for broken social scene. for meeting my mum and me in Golden for lunch last summer.
nick: for bringing me coffee and cake. for the amount of times you and damen drove me home in the van last summer (sometimes via the lake for some palm bays and a sneaky joint). for that night playing guitar together up at the alpine party house, drinking coronas (even if that night did end with reddy face-raping me).
damen: for all the shredding we managed to sneak in (even if you progressed so much faster than i did). for always playing bon iver in the van. for yelling at Natalie at work. for celebrating my promotion via text message, and taking the 'hookers and blow' joke a little too far.
jo: for reading my blog and liking my poetry, or at least telling me you do. for always checking up on my sex life (or lack thereof), and for the 'get drunk, it always works' pep talk. for constantly being at least a little jealous of my life here, giving me the snap out of my funk to realize i'm living a blessed life here.
kieran: for choosing me to be the one you move to montreal with. for meeting me at Central. For enjoying your life and not being too cool to say so. for that fucking good coffee in sydney. for the dumplings.
yanni: for encouraging my escape, and applauding it's success. for your slight tinge of insanity. for your fucking awesome bar and your bar-related comedy, both standup and slapstick.
mat: for being the raddest new dad i know. for buying me a book and posting it to me from amazon because it's a book you loved. for one time lasting 40 mins before asking if i'd got laid recently, and for pointing out that fact. for suggesting that dropping a person's toothbrush into the toilet and then replacing it is an acceptable form of revenge.
when i think of any one of you i smile to myself with some silly memory. you've made me a little more cool, all in your own way, and i do appreciate the help.
i won't be saying it to your faces unless i'm drunk, or i'm at your wedding (probably, let's face it, also drunk), but i love you all.
thanks for being so fucking rad.