Monday, 13 June 2011

secret: no longer 21

i'm no longer an opinionated & obnoxious 21 year old.

somehow, in the last little while, i've stopped feeling that i know everything, am the only one to have ever felt the feelings i feel, i've stopped believing that no-one will ever understand me, i've stopped trying to use mystery to make myself attractive or glamorous.

it's strange to say it, and stranger still to mean it, but i've grown up, somehow.

when you're 21, you're one of the many voices clamouring for attention, so sure that the things you have to say are significant, are something bigger than you and have come from some huge, expansive place. inspired.

i'm not for a minute suggesting that such sentiments don't have a place in the world, in fact a part of the world is built upon the words and noises of those who believe their contributions are necessary, dragged down from the infinite book from somewhere else, already written.

i read the blogs of those that are younger than me, in fact i found a lovely sweet one on tumblr that is by a 21 year-old in melbourne. i found her because she covered 'even though i'm a woman' by seeker lover keeper. i can read and connect and be a part of who she is and the identity she is clearly so hell-bent on constructing and reiterating at every turn. the walls of her room in her video are decorated with words and pictures. she learns covers of her favorite bands, records herself and posts them on youtube. i basically was this girl at one point in my life. it got me thinking though- i've decorated my room here in whistler, with pictures and words, and i've got my collections of pretty things, but i have little or no connection to them.

what i mean is, i feel i've almost gone through the motions in putting together this space i live in. i don't think it's me in the sense that i don't need people to see it to feel like they know me.

i used to set so much store by which books people had in their bookcase.

i used to be an almost hipster, and now i'm just a person. a 25 year old. no longer 21, but i remember it. i am glad not to be there anymore.

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