Monday, 7 February 2011

treasure: identity crisis

i've always been interested in constructing identity; in making sense of myself, in asking constant questions, in checking boxes... and in my teenage years, determined to be a unique and special individual, i aimed to avoid fitting into boxes, and to be some new blend of all those things that i generally found to be cool or interesting.

at uni i studied a lot of postmodernist theory and came across the idea of a schizophrenic identity... don't ask me to tell you where i heard it because that, my friends, is information that has disappeared into the sands of time.

the general idea, from what i can piece together from the memory i have left (the parts of my brain that have NOT fallen away like wet cake), is that in a post-modern society, we as individuals have such disjointed realities that identity can be one thing and then another, and that, i guess, the discontinuity of our identities is perfectly normal and sort of to be expected.

not sure what y'all think of that, but i've been thinking about it a lot lately, in trying to figure out where i might be interested in going next in my life. i feel like when i start thinking of the possibilities, they start expanding out to the point where i get anxious, and decide it might just be easier to stay where i am. this then makes me depressed about my inability to commit to anything or anyone. and the rainy weather really does not help one bit.

i think that everyone in whistler is pretty much in the same position. everyone my age that is... although, interestingly i seem to have found myself hanging out with some younger ones this season.

but really, i have lost count of the amount of conversations which circle around our plans, all of us here... people in whistler talk a lot of shit. i am one of those people, don't get me wrong. i have so many different lines i like to spin about what my plans are for this year.

what does this have to do with my identity? in a nutshell, if i figure my current self out a little, then i will have some idea what i want to be when i decide to "Be" something, thusly giving me the answer to the eternal "where the fuck am i going next?" question.

a friend posted on facebook recently "home sick for a place i haven't found yet". right now i feel as though this completely nails the position i'm in. what i worry about occasionally is that i will feel like this the rest of my life.

maybe i can put it to a vote, and the people of the interweb, which is you all, shall decide my fate:

  • reapply for my visa and stay in whistler another season

  • reapply for my visa and move to another ski resort at the end of summer for another season

  • reapply for my visa and move east to montreal

  • finish working end of june when visa expires, hang about unemployed for a bit then do a few months in the states on the way back to australia

and if i move back to aus, what then?! uni, save and travel to the uk, work? where? melbourne, brisbane, newcastle?

see why it's easier to just party every night and avoid making decisions?

1 comment:

  1. Answers usually comes to me once I stop contemplating. Be happy, don't worry and trust your gut feeling.