Thursday, 21 June 2012

secret: powers of invisibility

suddenly, and without any pretext, i feel as though i am invisible.

i sit quietly on the internet catching up with everybody else's lives. i swap emails with a few faithful friends who write to me, keeping up a constant dialogue of the little, the precious, the mundane. underwritten is a sort of soft reassurance that i am a real person, who people know and remember from my past life, when i wasn't hidden off the grid at my mum's house.

the internet is not enough. it shocks me a little to realise it; i've championed the internet my whole time away in canada, i've believed in it as a way of connecting, but now, on the far end of all of this i really have to wonder why i felt that way.

i feel invisible because i'm out and far away from things. because i have a boyfriend in germany, and the more that time passes, the less real he gets. he's turning into a theoretical person, and so am i, in response. an invisible, theoretical person.

i prescribe myself some long walks, a cup of coffee with an old school friend and then next week, thankfully, hours and days of time with my little brothers, the ones who make me giggle and laugh and flesh me out to three dimensions again, filling at least one of those dimensions with beer. to them i am not invisible, nor computer presence, nor theoretical anything.

i shall set myself some writing goals too, any minute now, and write myself back into a person-shaped person. that's what i'll do. and maybe i'll put together a playlist too. stay tuned. let me know when you can see me again, when i'm visible once more.

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