treasure: the scope, the range, the depth of things

i have a sort of ritual i like to do every now and then. i mainly do it when people are leaving, or when something huge has happened, or sometimes just because.

i get my ipod, i choose one beautiful song, put it on repeat and lay outside on the deck smoking peach flavored primetime ciggarettes. one, or two sometimes. i do this at night time. sometimes i'm a little bit drunk, or sometimes i'm not.

the point is to feel all my feelings, big and small, dry and juicy, itchy and smooth. i'm not always a big feeling feeler. and recognition needs to be given, respect paid to the big events of my life: love and loss, the scope, the range, the depth...

i'm not really a smoker but it seems to fit- a dramatic gesture of sorts.

i can't do this ritual when it's raining. sometimes a little drizzle adds a certain effect, but you can't lay there for a vague undetermined period. my favorite nights are the warm still summer ones. we haven't had a lot of them this summer. in fact, probably no more than 2.

2 people have left me in the past 2 weeks. it makes me furious, sad, wistful, empty, appreciative, philosophical, angsty. so i lay outside listening to kate herzig's "i hurt too"

i lay outside in the dark with all the beautiful pines around me, smoking a slow-burning cigarette and thinking about what it is that i've loved about these two boys. james i only met in may, but due to the extremely genuine and generous nature of that boy, felt to me like someone i'd know a long time. i appreciate and respect his approach to life, his mantra, which is "crushin' puss" (has to be explained by someone with a greater understanding of it than me, i'm afraid). i approve of how much he relies upon wildwood's eggs bennies to get him through the hard hungover times. they really do fix you when nothing else can, and offer hope when all seems dark...

we had some quality hangover work days together. we had some joyful days together, and some ones that dragged on a little. i didn't realize how much i relied on him to distract me through a work day until he up and LEFT ME, motherfucker.

we had dropkick murphys together, an experience that really does deserve its own post (i'll get there sometime).

so firstly i lay in the dark with my cigarette and listened to music that i love, and send out thanks for meeting the lovely james.

the second boy to leave me this past month is alex fabel. and i don't even know what to say about him. i guess his leaving music was "heart of gold". i've posted the stereophonics cover here as it's fucking awesome, as is fabel.



this song came on the radio just after me, annika and karin dropped him back at his house and said goodbye, and it fucking undid me. i have known fabel a while, but in the last few months have grown to realize just how lucky i am to count him as a friend.

we had a lovely moment the other weekend at a houseparty. we were both smashed. i only vaguely remember it happening at all, but we took the time (as seriously as 2 drunks can take anything at any given moment in time) to tell each other how awesome and funny the other was. i do believe the conversation went something along the lines of "you're just really awesome.. and so funny..." "no, YOU'RE awesome and funny... you're really funny" "YOU'RE really funny"... etc.

it gives me warm fuzzies. besides, we ARE both really awesome and fucking hilariously brilliant.

fabel brings out this side of me which is always funny. well... it's subjective i guess, but he always finds me funny, so i start to walk about like i rule the world. which i sort of do. but for me, having someone around frequently to just be there laughing at my jokes is a sort of invaluable experience.

i still owe him dinner. and that's how i know that we'll be seeing each other again some day.

i can't have anyone else leave for a little while, it will break me into pieces. it's hard to explain how it happens, but whistler grabs you and the people in it find little nooks in your heart, curl up there and make you feel the very safest and happiest you could imagine feeling.

i have never belonged anywhere the way i belong here. the sheer love of this place is unreal. i know not everyone who comes to whistler gets what i have, and i know i am beyond lucky to know the lovelies that i know.

i confess right now, if everyone readies themselves to leave at the end of next season, i may have to just be done. because if i have learned anything on my stay here, it's that the people make the town.

the scope, the range, the depth... thank you fabel for the excellence and general improvement of the quality of my life. thank you james for the wisdom and the quiet appreciation of radness that i have learned from you.

with love.