30pictureschallenge: Day 7

www.explodingdog.com

this is exactly how i'm feeling today, and probably a little bit tomorrow. reasons for these feelings have been expanded upon below:

firstly, i've embarked on the part of my study where i panic and become certain i shall not pass my exam. there is a very real possibility of this, and it will be my own fault if i don't (see above: i feel stupid). it's that awkward situation where i'm not actually stupid, but trying to read number problems that are said in words makes me panic, then try to calm down, then read it again, then panic. it's internal panic. it's a silent scream. the silent scream of someone who is very scared of numbers and things she doesn't understand.

secondly, i've re-embarked on my gym routine in the quiet hope of righting all the wrongs within my poor body. the bits that are wonky, the bits that are out of whack, the bits that vaguely remember what it was like to function properly. those bits are going to get sorted right out, and i am loving the moving about again. but boy, it makes me tired in my body, and hungry for more than the sensible healthy food i am eating. but i'm already feeling better after a week or two. so i will be good to my little self. (see above: i feel tired, i feel hungry).

it's no secret that i am quite, quite fond of caffeinated beverages. and that they help with coping with the other things that are maybe not as light and fluffy as you might like. tomorrow morning, i am going to have breakfast at the goldfish bowl and have probably 2 coffees to go with those eggs on toast. and boy oh boy, i am already looking forward to it (see above: this coffee will change all of that).

i think the important thing is, even on the tired hungry stupid days, and we all have them, to have a coffee in the horizon, or at least the prospect of metaphorical coffee.

mmm, metaphorical coffee.

treasure: melbourne

in 2004, the year after i finished my HSC, i got the hell out of armidale and moved to melbourne. melbourne held the promise of adulthood, change and challenge, the glamour of artists and poets and philosophers.

i was there 5 and a half years. there's plenty to reflect upon, but i found it very telling the past few times around, visiting after having left 3.5 years ago, how i felt about the beloved city and the people in it that i saw.

perhaps it's just that i've distilled my friendship group into the Very Best of Melbourne. perhaps it's that the buzz of city has finally become exciting again; full of promised inspiration and movement and sparkle. it's nice to visit a city and already know your way around; your favourite bar; your favourite dish at tom phat; the ways of the trams.

i had a beautiful time. during my 'just-home' tour of july 2012, i hung out at beth's house and we sat on the upstairs balcony and enjoyed winter sunshine and the ambient sounds of deconstruction, as the old Royal Children's got unceremoniously trashed by a wrecking crew. i drank at Bar Etiqette, hung about at the bar and giggled happily at yanni and mikey's antics, marvelled at the crowds and the hipster population. i met friends and missed friends, filled with generosity of people who'd only had facebook as a means of following about what i'm certain seemed like a very silly and decadent life of snow and drinking. they bought me drinks, they let me stay, they asked good questions (some people, none of whom i am good friends with, have nothing in the way of curiosity or comment about your recently different lifestyle. they have nothing to say and nothing to ask and it's all very awkward and boring).

aaron and i have recently returned from the 'everyone meet my boyfriend' tour of early 2013 and yup, i still love melbourne. despite the heat i drank plenty of coffee, cottoning onto the concept of iced coffee on saturday morning for a win. i took him on a tour of what i think of as my Melbourne, with a bit of shopping, a few bookstores, some very good eating and this time round i could afford $18 cocktails, so we had some of those too. we hung out with iggy, the coolest kid i know, we feasted on indian and thai with mat and tash, i drank ciders at bar etiquette with beth, sylvia and laura, which turned into a bottle of wine each at Gurkha's Nepalese next door to the bar.

there was a lovely picnic in carlton gardens and some attempted frisbee by joe and laila, picnic rug fun with thea (and amazing gluten free passionfruit melting moments), wine, cheese, smoked salmon and olive tapenade from the Queen Vic Markets.

 
there was a 44 degree day where we stayed inside, windowshopping our way up the 4 levels of Melbourne Central where i bought 4 dresses for $140 (what a bargain!). we perused fed square's NGV bookstore longingly, scoffed a big pile of dumplings at Shanghai Dumpling House in Chinatown, saw some great graffiti and biggest bonus of all, got to drive mat & tash's mercedes benz about the place, feeling like a pretty big deal as we cruised around with a breeze blowing through our hair and a devil-may-care attitude.

it is The Life, Melbourne, and i hope one day i will have the chance to live there again- i feel as though all the things that pushed me away from it and into the arms of a willing whistler are manageable, and that perhaps there is more for me there that i have no yet discovered. perhaps i'll  do a phd at University of Melbourne one day, perhaps i'll only ever visit for holidays from now on...

it might be far away but it's never forgotten.

#fmsphotoadaynovember 2. colour (coffee)

i have this sort of dependent relationship with coffee. sporadically i give it up, having become alarmed by my dependence, by the sometimes unreasonable expectations i have of the relationship, and also sometimes it's because i've read some sort of literature that convinces me it's killing my body very slowly from the inside. quite separate to that, announcing you've given up coffee always elicits some sort of reaction, whether it's horror, puzzlement, or on some rare occasions, you get someone who supports your choice (someone who has clearly been reading the same things you've been reading. someone who likes to rant in tones of superiority about health benefits).

my point being that coffee is one of the enduring loves of my life. my favourite coffee comes from melbourne, where the italian influence in carlton (which backs onto University of Melbourne, that place i went once) makes everyone a coffee conniseur, with an opinion on everything. i knew a guy who took a coffee course once, whos family started a cafe, and this apparently made him an expert on coffee. what a drag! everywhere we went together, my eyes would be rolling back in my head with the joy of the delicious coffee and he would, without fault, find some element to criticise. every. single. time. i think there were 2 cafes where he approved of the coffee, and one of those was his sister's place.

we're not friends anymore, but rest assured the fall-out was not only about coffee.

my favourite coffee drinking times have been worldwide. annica made a damn good coffee in whistler, and always seemed to have a sixth sense about when i really needed one. in highschool, kat and i used to drink too much coffee at caffiends in the mall. height of cool = a big betty blue sized mug of milky coffee.and hanging out outside, where people from other schools could watch and be watched. i drank a solid amount of coffee at uni, between castros kiosk, where the lovely opperman girls both worked at the time, and a cafe on lygon st in carlton, name of which has been lost to me (but i can tell you exactly how to get there).

i've had long cups of coffee on my own in creekside starbucks, cursing my ankle and trying not to cry about missing pow days, i've had coffee on the go, rushing to work or a lecture, i've had coffees with friends in need of a chat, i've covered all the problems of the feminist world over several lattes (yep, it takes several). i've had awkward coffees, when you're relived it's an easy temperature to drink and run.i've had coffees right before awful, sad and tearful goodbyes to loved ones. i've had bottomless coffee from southside diner in whistler, and let me tell you, that will wire you right up.

i often think about the taste and the smell, but the colour of coffee is one of those lovely ones, a warm and comforting colour. there is nothing so reassuring as a good cup of coffee.

the end.

secret: coffee = happiness