secret: 20 thoughts collected from the year I was 30 (or, Some Things I Know To Be True)

1. Social media is not the one way
to my soul, nor the way to make me
pay attention
nor the way to make me love you.
HOWEVER
If you are not there on some sort of
platform
How are we to meet?
How am I to know?
Social media is a tightrope.

2. A person does not have to be a gender.
Sometimes I am tired
Sometimes I am not a woman or a man
Sometimes I am a Helen & that is all.
It follows that there are some people who are perpetually tired in this one way; the Patriarchy is a big nuisance forever
A person does not have to be a man or a woman all the time (nor straight, gay, queer, more).
That is fine with me.

3. There is not much that cannot be soothed by any or all of these things:

• Licks from puppies
• A hot drink you can warm your hands with
• Putting things in the places they go
• A full night of good sleep
• Being in a bookshop or a library
• Days with no plans in them.

4. Love is a mystery
I definitely believe in it, but romantic love mystifies me. It is my way to want to pin it down and have a definition to refer everything to, but it's ridiculous and won't stay still. I don't get it. I don't get how you're all doing it. I'm bewildered.

5. I am pretty fucking great.
I have spent a lot of time rebounding from all the things other people think. I've tried very hard to keep them happy; to mimic their ways, which is almost the best way to give them what they want from me.
I have curbed my instinct and my words and my actions to fit into things. I have felt guilty or fake or like a liar for saying I think one way and knowing that isn't always true. I have chosen not to do things because I will probably do them wrong and then people will have opinions about that and I will need to address the opinions of me like that's my job.
It's not my job and it's none of my fucking business what you think of me. Go for it and leave me out of it.
I am pretty fucking great just like this and I love my mistakes and it's fun when I'm doing things differently from how you'd like me to. Please, when you feel compelled to give me guidance disguised as kindness, know that I sincerely to the very bottom of my heart am just not really listening.

6. I don't owe time or smiles or gratitude.
When you are kind and generous and friendly with me that is just lovely, and thank you.

BUT

I don't have to do things I don't want to do anymore. The best bit is this means that if I'm smiling at you I really mean it and if I'm where you are I want to see you for reals and you don't have to play a guilty game of obligation with me, which leaves you time for more activities.

7. I remember when you let me down. It doesn't mean that our friendship is broken, because I'm an adult that can like you in spite of your flaws. I just didn't forget.
I didn't forget all the times I let you down, either (the ones I know about, anyhow). To err is human, etc.

8. Most motivational quotes are true.
But this doesn't stop me from cringing.

My favourite motivational quote is from Alias Grace by Margaret Atwood and it goes
"When you are in the middle of a story it isn't a story a all, but only a confusion; a dark roaring, a blindness, a wreckage of shattered glass and splintered wood; like a house in a whirlwind, or else a boat crushed by the icebergs or swept over the rapids, and all aboard powerless to stop it. It's only afterwards that it becomes anything like a story at all. When you are telling it to yourself or to someone else."

This is life and this is definitely my life. I guess maybe it's not your average motivational quote, but it sure as fuck motivates me.

9. Sometimes it is easier to spend time with new friends who are right there than to keep up with old ones who are far away.
Once I love you, I really love you, which means that when I can't see you whenever I want, my heart is broken.
I basically need to forget you exist just so I am able to function, unless I'm visiting your neighbourhood.
[I love you faraways so much, and think about you all the damned time]

10. The thing that makes me tough, strong and the actual best:
My brothers - by sheer virtue of their own awesomeness. We reflect this awesomeness in each other ad infinitum. All other relationships of my life are based on a version of this. They have taught me fierce loyalty, the fine art of cutting the shit and saying the truth, the importance of a shot of Campari before any party, and that the power in just knowing that someone has your back helps you to move fucking mountains. People are jealous of us and look, we know it.
What you suspect to be the case is true: even on our bad days, we are actually a little bit better than everyone else. We're not sorry about that. Try asking water not to be wet, or scotch not to be delicious.

11. Look, it is a definite waste of your time to care about how fat you look in your pants, but we all sometimes think about it, even the most kickass feminist of us.
It's ok to have a lapse and think that silly nonsense thought.
I shake away the thought like it's a little spider on my arm and do not beat myself up about fat, pants or thinking thoughts.

12. A lesson for humans:
You can't assume anything about anyone by looking at them.
Don't think a fat person is unhealthy
you are not a doctor
if you are a doctor, you still cannot tell by looking.
Don't think Aboriginal men are bad dads
stow your cartoon drawing pencil
Don't think a trans person has to "pass" as any gender
you can see my earlier thoughts on gender
and probably also fuck off
Don't think a woman deserves sexual, verbal or emotional abuse
for making a mistake
for having an opinion
for running for president
for wearing any particular clothes combination
for not taking your advice
for drinking too much
for making eye contact
I'm bored of this list already

13. Early marks are way better when you're an adult.

14. Sure, drinking is probably a thing I should feel guilty about
but I do not
because

1. alcohol is delicious 
2. soon, you are a bit more funny and charismatic than previously thought
3. you make new friendships that are very important 
4. intolerable people are either a) easier to ignore or b) weirdly tolerable now
5. you can sing and dance better
6. alcohol is still delicious

15. Some times I put things off for ages that turn out to be great, and my favourites:

• learning to drive a manual car
• downloading and listening to podcasts
• buying a house
• becoming vegan

16. There are some people who just remind you of who you are
You wander through many other places and try on other hats
And your paths cross again, and
Of course! There you are! Your self was there the whole damn time!

17. Layers upon layers of blankets
are the only way for me to fall asleep
like a pressure on my heart
will keep it in my chest
and I can rest
safe, without worry.

18. Layers upon layers of paper
are the only way for me to feel at peace
stacks of books and notepads
to ease the aching of my heart
so I can breathe
safe, without worry.

19. Mornings are probably the weirdest
of all the regular struggles of my life,
because when I get up and do things early
My day is better
My outlook is better
My breakfast is better
I have time for 2 coffees.
BUT
Bed is a great and tempestuous love of my life
It is so warm and comfy
and often, after
a whole night of treating me badly
I crawl in
hoping the next time will be different.

20. I don't know a lot about much, but I do know that having a place to belong in is saving my life. My garden grows roses, and I collect them to display in a bowl by my bed like trophies. I am making a good life for myself, and there are roses in it.

treasure: the cat ladies

the cat ladies: they are ladies with cats.

in this situation, maybe the cat lady is simply a metaphor for anybody who is alone. the cat lady is a punchline. the cat lady is, essentially, a character into whom the Simpsons breathed life: a woman, alone but for a collection of animals. the cats have taken over. the cats are the central focus of her life. sometimes she can only afford cat food. sometimes she eats the cat food. sometimes she is the cats. sometimes we are all the motherfucking cats.

the (crazy) cat lady carries with her an unfortunate destiny we are all trying to avoid. taking the feminist implications out of this for a second: being alone with only pet cats means you will end up insane. we all need other humans. is this true? is it? 

i (personally) want to use other humans for the following (not always in this order):

• laughter at my jokes 
• the music they make
• sex
• intelligent conversation
• aesthetic reasons

besides that, what am i using them for? a sounding board, i suppose, to check i'm still on the right track.

cats can't talk or write music or fuck people or reply to questions. so we cannot replace humans with cats. cats do not have opposable thumbs, so cats cannot operate cash registers, so we need humans to sell us our groceries.

monkeys might be able to help with the cash register thing, but not cats.

the crazy cat lady is a little scary. she's the modern day crone, witch, wise woman. she's the one who has decided the rules for herself, and while the rules aren't necessarily illegal or wrong, they're just not the ones the rest of us are operating to. 

the crazy cat lady is a goddamned punchline. boil it down kids, and really she's a punchline because she's not one half of a whole. she's alone; doesn't anyone want her? what's wrong with her? can't she even secure some poor dummy to fake marry her? 

the crazy cat lady scares us because she has at some point chosen cats over being half of a whole. everyone can find someone: as the meme goes, even Honey Boo-Boo's mum has a boyfriend. and while we "let that sink in", let's just stop and think about the clear and obvious male equivalent: oh wait.

i think it's basically this: women, unmarried women, are a scary fucking business. will they start a gang? will they encourage the married women to leave their men and start cat-heavy communes? unchecked, unmarried with cats ... fuck. will a cat be the president? what's next, a cat in space?

in conclusion, women and cats are probably the most dangerous pairing of all time.

#offtogetsomecats #catsforpresident #votecats #catsnottrump

secret: forgetting, and the weight of it

I'm really struggling with the imperfection of the human race at the moment. Y'all are driving me up the fucking wall. I'm realising my idea of appropriate human behaviour is different from most other people's, and mostly that is fine, but there's a few bones I have to pick.

The disclaimer is that I am still working on practicing what I preach, that I'm not addressing anyone in particular, and that I'm really just having a less-than-excellent collection of months at the moment. Which is actually what I want to talk to you about.

I hereby acknowledge that us humans tend to keep our own personal worries at the forefront of most things we do. That it takes extra effort and love to think outside of this, particularly when we have our unique and special collection of things we're dealing with. I know that. Damn it's a fine line.

Out with it: the thing that's really making me crazy is how quickly we all forget about other people's pain, grief and struggles. I'm fairly private about these particular treasures, so if I've told you that my aunt passed away, or that I kept getting dealt these mini-blows at work when I'm working so hard to further my career, or that I broke up with my boyfriend, I'm officially trusting you enough to share my shit with you. I've tried my best to tell people I like and care about these bits of news. Sometimes I've even told people I like but don't particularly care about, or even people I don't care about or even like that much.

People are very good and sometimes great about sympathising appropriately when they initially hear this news, whatever it may be. People are quite good at doing a follow up check-in on things the next time you see them. People, after that point, well, they mostly forget about the bad thing, and wonder what the fuck is wrong with you.

The thing is, the bad thing still happened. Even if it happened months ago and it's old news to you, it's not old news to me. It might come and go, but particularly in the case of losing someone you love, the mother of someone you think of as your sister, this sadness doesn't have an expiration date. This sadness can pop back up for any and all reasons, and maybe it comes with a smile too, but that's what grief is.

Do me and other humans who might be sad a huge favour and be a little gentle about it. Give us a little space - don't assume it needs to be talked about, but don't pretend it's not there, and don't assume I want to be cheered up. I'm here, aren't I? Wearing pants, as is socially acceptable; holding a drink and shooting the shit; I've even laughed at your jokes. I can still laugh, I just might not be staying out so late or drinking so hard. I'd rather be at home with my Swedish wife watching Gilmore Girls. Keep that in mind and appreciate my effort by knowing, even if you don't say it, that I'm doing the best I can.

Actually, I will go one further: if you can possibly bear it, don't call me, I will call you. By this I mean that I far prefer my own company to the company of most others. If I am in touch with you it's because composing and sending a text message is a burden I can bear that day. If you don't hear from me, it means I just can't even. Don't be offended. Don't be offended if I choose group social settings instead of a one-on-one catchup. Don't be offended if I have a one-on-one catchup with someone else but I do not choose to catch up with you. Don't be offended if I don't write back to your text messages. Remind yourself, please, that even if it doesn't look like it to you, this is actually the best I can do. If you have a sad or hard thing of your own you want to talk to someone about, it might not be in your best interests to speak to me about it just now.

I'm not saying I'm just unavailable forever, but I have to be honest with you: the people who have managed to understand this situation are the ones I'll be calling to hang out with, on the cloudy days and on the sunny ones.

I know it is much more convenient to almost everyone to be happy and filled with jokes - to be quick and witty with a pretty dress on is the goal. I know how infinitely preferable that is. Maybe that's because you're suffering from something sad too, and my sadness is not a thing you can bear. I am going to try my very best to keep that in mind.

I'm not saying you ask me "How are you dealing with your family member's death?" or "How's that infinite well of existential sadness today?" or "Is there anything sad and heavy you'd like to talk through at this noisy bar?". I'm saying continue your business and your life as usual, but when you can, remember there's a few things that have dropped me in some mud I have to trudge through, and I will do my best to do the same for you.

secret: Friday dreaming

I just want to drive somewhere with the car windows down and all my favourite songs for driving places to with the windows down playing one after the other in a mix that I’ve crafted intuitively but somehow overnight wearing my favourite and most comfortable sunglasses drinking an iced coffee with almond milk that is cool and refreshing and lasts forever and the icecubes in there never melt.

And the road has no traffic on it but me and there are some nice smooth turns that I can put my heart into and some bits that need swift gear changes so I can rock out my racecar driver moves and there is nobody in the car but me so I can sing along to all my favourite songs for driving places to at the top of my lungs and nail the harmonies.

And I know that once I get to wherever it is I am driving there is a body of water that will be cool and refreshing just like that iced coffee with almond milk that I was drinking while I was driving was and I will dive right in without any hesitation and do somersaults under the water like I did when I was 12 and I loved the water and didn’t care how I looked in my bathers.

And once I am finished swimming I will lay on some grass or some sand or a smooth rock in the shade of a tree or an umbrella and I will alternate between reading my book and napping and my book is filling my brain and my heart up like comfort food but the right sort of comfort food that’s tasty but also nourishing and I will be warm and comfy laying in the shade and I will be drinking something with Campari in it or maybe I will just be drinking Campari on ice but this time the icecubes will be melting.

And then I will head home with the seawater/riverwater dried onto my skin like a secret and I will sing a little more and I will arrive at my home and I will sprawl on my bed made with my favourite patchwork blanket on it and I will cut pictures out of magazines and make a huge collage about my perfect day and I will pause to play songs on my guitar and I will have a delicious snack of cold carrotsticks and hummus I have made myself.

And nobody else is invited and nobody’s feelings are harmed in the making of this fantasy about being alone for a day.