secret: sucked into a little black cloud

despite the bluebird day, and the person who donated candy at work, i just got home and i feel that damn black cloud over me...

i'm tired. i'm poor. i'm meant to be going out to dinner and i can't afford it, and i'm sure if i said so someone would pay for me, but that will make me feel worse. i was thinking some dancing might fix it, if the dancing is free of course...

i really feel like staying home, eating a baked 'tato and drinking some whiskey. but drinking alone is antisocial, and verging on alcoholic. isn't it? i don't know.

so i shall go out, and have beer for dinner, and feel all is right with the world until tomorrow morning when i am hungover and poorer and i have to work. bleah. see why i don't want to go out?

bad company as well. sigh. lucky i'm a good faker.

neither secret nor treasure: observations of the day

• boys sing falsetto with their eyes closed. why is that? i love this cover, even though it's pop, because it's a catchy song with a cute boy singing it. 

• i woke up this morning with both my ears blocked. everything has been a little off today. it makes me burrow deep into myself, and think about things i have avoided for a while. i need to go back to australia soon for a visit, figure some shit out. i don't know what i want to do or where to go next!! there is a war inside my head, because i want to stay where i am, live day by day, at peace... there is the other half saying 'you are a ski bum, make a plan, think of all the things you could be doing!'.
• i really want a haircut, but i am so defensive of my hair at the same time. it took me a long time to grow it and i love it... but i also want a fringe. i think i will ask my friend melissa to cut me one...
• i feel like i haven't done anything that classifies as "young and reckless" since Halloween. that's why i'm in whistler, right? i guess new year's eve is up and coming. time to get loose, methinks.
• i want to do an open mic night this season! richard the swede is going to make it happen, i can just tell.
• i am going riding tomorrow morning. nothing will stop me.
• i quite enjoy writing lists with dot points. makes me feel efficient.

treasure/curse: christmas crowds and tourism towns

i have used this photo before, but i love it so much. it's a christmas eve photo.

it's beginning to look a lot (fuckload) like christmas round these parts. there are enough fairy lights to run several small fairy cities. it's like whistler can't get enough. christmas on fucking steroids.

a terrible side-effect of christmas is that the village of whistler fills to the brim with damned tourists, spending their holidays here, and lining up at OUR chairlifts, taking all the good tables at OUR bars... fuckers. i had a burst of outrage tonight (internal... i don't really make scenes) at the full buses, the traffic everywhere when none of the bastards can drive... then i realized that maybe if the tourists didn't come, i wouldn't have a job. duh.

to ponder a little, if i may (and yes, i may, because it's my blog and i'll ponder if i want to), i think that north america is way bigger on christmas than australia is. is it a northern hemisphere thing? is it the white christmas factor? coz, holy crap, there is a lot of christmas in the air.

i love this time of year, but can i tell you exactly why? obviously being mostly atheist i am not really about the birth of christ. what i do like, however, is the excuse for excessive consumption of everything... foods (ham, turkey) and drinks... oh boy, what i wouldn't do to a rum and eggnogg right now. mitch and i had an pretty sweet drinking session with the rum and eggnogg the other day. he's replacing my little hugh, who i love the shit out of (that expression is just so i don't seem too gooey) but who sadly is not here to be my drinking buddy like he was last year.

so we've all got it down. i like drinking. i like it more when it's appropriate, but then, i do live in whistler, where most of us have a little bit of a problem saying no to alcohol, thus making it almost always appropriate.

but listen kids, and listen good. the reason for the season: the snow. the white stuff. that's the good shit, i waited 6 months for it and it has not failed me yet. that's the reason i really love this time of year. snowboarding, friends, apres.

all i need now is a kiss under the mistletoe, or on the chairlift...

secret: i wish ...

• i could have three beers in australia: two with my brothers, one at bar etiquette
• i had some money to buy christmas presents for my lovelies
• there were more hours in the day
• boys weren't so stupid
• that sometimes people would stop talking
• my room would tidy itself, like in mary poppins

happy birthday jo

dear jo,

i hope you have the happiest of birthdays. 25 has been good to me so far, and i hope it treats you well...

jo, you have always been a good friend. i like that you ask me about what i'm doing with my music and writing, it reminds me to keep going because i do love it, but sometimes i forget. i love that you have encouraged and celebrated with me my move to canada. i do sincerely hope you come over to shred with me sometime...

i admire your upcoming adventure to nepal, and am quietly jealous. i look forward to hearing about it... seeing the outcomes music-wise...

i have so much respect for you in your pursuit of your creative passions. i have huge envy of people who aim to make the thing they love their career, and i am certain you will continue to succeed.

you deserve all good things.

including this blog-cake, as is tradition. if your name was gilbert, it would be perfect.

love you jo.

xx Happy Birthday

treasure:old stuff: rediscovered.

from july 8, 2009

at least she knows one thing for certain. as she turned down the wrong street in vancouver and had to make her way past a block and a half of dusty greyed street people, she feared for her own safety. at least she has that, for she had feared (another fear) that she was suicidal. not in possession of the will to live, or the care to. she at least has this.

but maybe it is not suicide which appeals so much as disappearing from the world. no boxes to tick, no weight to carry, no plans to make. perhaps suicide is the wrong approach. perhaps an invisibility cloak would do. but to exist (the opposite of non-existence) one inevitably requires money, things, a roof and a bed, and so on. thus things must be done. which brings her/us to the original desire to disappear. what is the answer? more wine? more wine! more wine.


10th august, 2009
it occurs to me
i could just stay here
i could fall in love with
someone who wants me in whistler
someone who offers no boundaries; restrictions a laughable concept.
it just now occurs to me
that feeling stifled
is not on my prerequisites list.
but i might be drunken on eye-contact.
if i love
the things you love, will you love me?

it occurs to me
that i am already unfaithful
i am in love with pitchers of beer and mountains
i think longingly of them, when
i should think of you.


oct 15, 2009
your pockets are filled to the brim with things you have collected absentmindedly while creating order from chaos
you find in there several small treasures and a letter written to a friend, too long ago now to send, but you are slow to discard it
there are, of course, the broken bits, the pieces of treasure that are not what they once were, are a shadow of their former self in fact
your pockets are just too damned full for their own good, and you are struggling with indecision in the face of despair
and you stop a minute and wonder what others, or one particular other, will think of they catch you trying to empty out these silly messy pockets
you need to empty these pockets quietly
on the sly, in order to see what has acutally been in there all this time,
and what it is you are going to have to throw away.


a love song i wrote: one of the only ones i ever finished and still like

place your arm
round my shoulders
be yourself
and then be bolder
i am a step away from you
and i will not repeat myself, that'll do
-you laugh until you feel confused
-you smile until you look amused

stick to scripts
say the words you know
don't forget
take a breath, breathe slow
i am a step away from you
and i will not repeat myself, this will do
-nothing big, just a tangle of legs and arms
-none of any of us will come to any harm

someday soon,
we will surely speak
i can wait a year
but i can't wait a week
now i'm just a step away from you
no words left to repeat, nothing else to do

secret: the magic that happens when you step out of your bubble into someone else's

i've been out of the country the last week. down in the good ol' usa, soaking up the culture, chilling with some awesome folk (some related, some i just wanted to marry) and having my 6-monthly profound realization about myself and my life.

i've been writing in my journal a lot. i felt like i might put a little of it out there. i will preface it all by saying i am drinking beer at 11am, and Frightened Rabbit is playing as my soundtrack(y'all need to listen to them, specially 'backwards walk' and 'old old fashioned').

i don't think i've posted poetry before, but i do write a lot of it, so here goes:

23 november:

something about traveling always makes me want to write. i must confess i don't feel as capable of literary eloquence as i used to.

no matter how many times i do the drive between whis and vancouver, it still hurts me a little bit, it's so beautiful. i could wax lyrical about the power of nature and the insignificance of man, there is grandeur in this way of life etc... maybe there would be music playing; orchestras and soundscapes...

truthfully i am a collector of beautiful things and this view is just fucking beautiful.

it makes me think though, of how all things and people have their perfection, and how perfection is just so subjective. makes me realize that hey, even i might have moments of perfection. maybe i should occasionally give myself a break, take a breath and kick back, ignore the impulse to explain and excuse myself for everything i do, say or think.

of course it's pretty easy to be this enlightened with such a view.

nov 25

what i am thankful for:

my health

my arms and legs

my family

the open-endedness of all this

my optimism when it comes to love

my patience

my middle class white heritage giving me the chance to spend time on this self-indulgent bullshit.

the chance to move on from what i've managed to learn. the chance to learn more.

and also, i am thankful for turkey, and microbrewery beers.

nov 26

shouldn't

in a sleepy Oregon town

and decisions days away.

America, all your money looks the same

you fools

(me with my handful of dollar bills)

making shapes out of hands,

my accent stripping me bare

in bars where

i'm a novelty

(i had forgotten how strange i sound)

and to my ears, America,

you are anything but.

jokes landing me in the middle of

accepted and nowhere.

i ache from participating;

soccer, Thanksgiving, movies in bed

with longlost cousinfriend

a kindred spirit; her buttons also undone

and lost altogether

the world pushes us,

we push the world

(and i demand: be. less. demanding.)

i pin on my lost cause label

and wander the town.

shouldn't,

but you're either late or my watch

runs early, in a sleepy Oregon town.

nov26

nothing on me.

you're sugary sweet

my brain has you dead and run over

before i even know how you taste.

so i'll take what i've got

and spread it helplessly across the countless

(pages)

like

hands up helpless, like

the endearingly-put shrug of someone

focused on those other than themselves.

the lesson learned is selfishness

spelled F.U.C.K Y.O.U.

with enthusiasm.

you're drunk and dancing

and the band has a banjo playing

we're all drunk and filled with lies

i'm aiming for clever and sophisticated

even charming

but just barely pulling off wasted

and you're all i ever wanted

so the filler is me learning the waltz,

and

in my memory it's slow motion

and i look happy and beautiful

and yeah

nothing hurts in the morning.

and yeah

nothing that small could ever hurt me.

nov 27, A.M.

the year becomes a little blurry 'round this

point, the purpose and

the step-by-step of progress

smudged and inky, held up as mess

in your little hands.

the people you meet,

and their plans for themselves, in a broader

less, or more sense

the people you've met

and their plans

stack up quickly and quietly

a peaceful and imposing threat towards

your disorganized state-

your own stacks of papers

getting blown about

your careful filing system

emptied of its alphabet.

28 NOV, PM

i'm not made of stone, nor apology

and i might stumble a little

over the words, and the spelling

or the delivery (i cleared my throat, but nothing),

you stand careful and motionless

i stand and

aim just shy of forgiveness

my eyes drawn to yours just that little bit

i'm not made of stone,

and you my friend are a quiet and perfect trifecta

can we be liars together, making a whole

alphabet of exceptions?

if you would say yes

just the once

i would be able, more than able

to quit with the futureless daydreaming

to settle myself, write the novel.

treasure: snowboarding

the mountain is open.

if the 1 & 1/2 of you that actually look in on this self-indulgent blog from time to time will recall, i am sort of into snowboarding. so this is rather good news for me...

whistler blackcomb were advertising for bloggers to write for them for the season, weekly, with the appealing offer of a free season pass. i considered this and actually got sort of excited about it, thinking about what i would write for my application to go with my resume. then i thought about it again and don't feel confident i could provide video footage and photos that would be up to par with the whole 'shiny squeaky clean' whistler blackcomb website. they must pay someone well to put together all the graphics and whatnot to make that site so tourist friendly.

i am generally a shit photographer, and right now only have my iphone and a little shitty camera to play around with.

it doesn't mean i don't love these mountains though, and so i thought i'd have a crack at the 250 words whistler blackcomb was asking for about 'your best day on the mountain', because i did originally start this blog for writing practice.

i actually think my best day of 09/10 season was the last day i spent on the mountain, which was late april/early may on blackcomb.

i was working at 1.45, the close shift at the supermarket i was at as a cashier for 6 months. so i had time to ride in the morning. miracle of all miracles, we had about 12cm of fresh juicy snow the night before. i was waiting for the lift at 9, when it opened. riding solo- i did a lot of that last season, firstly because i was learning to ride and i hate the idea of slowing people down, so i went up on my own most days, even if it was just for the hour before i started work to get a couple of runs in. once i could keep up i found that i still loved riding on my own, music playing in my ear, hitting the singles line at the lifts, sometimes just doing the same runs over and over again, totally stoked on it. just like this day in may. i went straight up aiming for jersey chair, to hit those few runs that i was loving at the time, when i realised i as perfectly capable of dropping right over the side- the powder was fresh, soft and forgiving and there were some trees to sneak into right over the other side of the groomer...

i think i probably hit that same run 5 or 6 times, with no lift lines, no falls, not a care in the world, until i saw that glacier chair was just about to open, with the tiniest line. as i came up to the very end of glacier chair, the last bits of cloud had cleared and it was officially a bluebird day- clear and beautiful skies with a view right down the valley.

there are very few moments in life where you truly believe you are untouchable. normally you're drunk at the time, and about to do something very stupid, which 9 times from 10 will end badly, probably with bruises. but this day was one of those days where i was so filled with the perfection i was experiencing that i felt weightless. everything went right- i picked good lines, i had the right tunes playing, and i had no falls. i felt like a superstar. i felt like someone should have been filming me. i did 3 runs from glacier, and coming out of the last run i went far right and took the trees that had been cleared out by the fires that went through in 09 summer, the first month i was in town.

fresh lines at midday on a bluebird day in may.

i didn't know at the time that it was my last day on the hill. i think if i did, it would have had to mean more, for me to do something significant like i did riding my last day on whistler, where i spent the day hurrying around trying to do all my favourite runs, hating the saddle in particular on the peak because it was damn icy. the way this last day fell though, it was just this sort of moment in time that made me the happiest i'd been for a really long time. since the innocent happiness of spending a whole day outside playing matchbox cars with my little brothers when i was about 10.

i'm in love with these mountains. the beautiful thing about this place is that everyone seems to have had this same connection i feel, and thus to have some kind of personal stake in the weather, the snow, all of it. i know if i hear people bitching about anything (especially at this point in the season where i'm still experiencing the heady rush of first love) to do with the mountain, i feel like shaking them... or kicking them in the shins hard enough to leave bruises.

not to get all enlightened on your asses, but life is really very simple. living here has taught me that, and i don't think i'll ever be the same.

secret: love and other parts of the pickle

at this time of the year it is easier to go down than up. the weather is rubbish. all you want to do is drink.

because it snowed today, like SNOWED EVERYWHERE, and i bought my season pass, and there are all these people that i'm meeeting, who are great and interesting and not full of shit (although there really are a lot of those too), i am in love.

during the day, when there is snow and lattes, this love is all uplifting and whatnot.

at nighttime you end up on facebook chat listening to random people with webcams who have posted videos on youtube, terrible covers of songs you like.

being in love is exhilirating but somehow melancholy when reality sets in and you are, for all intents and purposes, alone.

maybe if i focused my love upon one person instead of loving everybody.

but then how would i save the planet?

treasure: new room, new hair, butterscotch pudding

i got my hair cut and also dyed it purple. its my all time favourite colour to dye my hair.



and i moved house and have a new room with all my shit in it, including fairy lights i've been wanting to put up the whole time i've lived here.

and the mountain is going to open on friday, and there's just a whole world of potential, and on top of that, there is butterscotch pudding in the fridge.
love.

secret:

treasure: the joy to be found in the giving away of things

i took away a part of my heart by giving clothes away, good clothes that i loved, to friends. it's because, well, i have lots more. like.... a lot lot more.

my aim is to be really good at giving things away... for the next month.

i can do that, that shit is *easy*

secret: a rainy sunday afternoon and much contemplation

oh god, what am i going to do with my life??

yes folks, it's one of those posts. i just turned 25. i got a tattoo that i love. in a month, i will be able to go snowboarding, which is so exciting! i just can't seem to see past it. which is probably not a bad thing. but for some reason, tonight i just want to make some kind of life-altering decision.

i am certain i'll be over it by the morning.

options: stay here.
go home.
study. here or home.

firstly, sort out where home is.

i have a life here. it's a life that i like. here is home.
melbourne is home. there are people in it that i love and miss.
brisbane might be fun.

pfffft I am going to bed.

treasure: Halloween onesie times

so mega thrift store score today...

halloween is upcoming, and i was all set on going as a zombie, until this sweeeeet poofy skirt came in, then before i knew it BAM! angel wings and matching angel halo headband.

but then... a bottle of fake blood.

so now i'm all confused. but i think the girly sparkly angel option might be fun. last year i was a dinosaur. times of fun, times of absolute brilliance: hugh in his emo spiderman onesie, me in my amazing dinosaur onesie.

we were both feeling really half-assed about the whole halloween concept, on account of being ri-donk-ulously hungover from the night before. we both sat on the couch mumbling about it for a few hours, along the lines of "we got the costumes" "yeah but i feel like shit" "yeah me too" ... then silence, then one of us would get a text message about a pre-drinking occasion at a friend's place, which we would debate the various merits of before making a non-decision. this silence would be interrupted by another text... we were invited to pre-drink with 4 different groups of people but we neglected committing to anything.

then 8.30 rolled 'round, at which time hugh managed the motivation to grab the bottle of fireball (we had agreed at our house there was to be fireball available at all times. also, chocolate milk). we downed beers and shots while getting ready, giggling more and more as the fireball kicked in. we had one bus option before all public transport stopped for an hour (it does that in dead season for some stupid reason). when we got to the bus stop hugh realised he had forgotten his spiderman gloves... NOT THE GLOVES!

he raced back up the hill, up 3 flights of stairs and back in under 5 minutes. he was running down the hill as the bus came round the corner.

picture, if you will (as an imaginary bus passenger): a guy dressed in a pretty much skintight spiderman suit with mask, gloves etc, running at top speed down an icy hill, with a girl in a bright green dinosaur onesie, complete with dinosaur head, alternately laughing hysterically and yelling "go spiderman go!!!" at the top of her lungs.

needless to say we got a huge cheer when we got on the bus... i haven't yelled that loud in public since then.

fucking good times.

secret: coffee = happiness

day 29. in this past month, what have you learned.

- that i love cereal
- how to use iBooks on my iPhone
- how to Skype on my iPhone
- that drinking less is a good way to feel less suicidal in the morning
- that i could actually be a good boss with a little practice
- that i am an ideal tenant (every place we looked at while househunting was offered to us... that's never happened to me before)
- that i can justify pretty much anything i do because i am unabashedly selfish
- that i love Broken Social Scene (band. amazing live. amazing)
- that life is like a box of chocolates

day 28. a picture of you last year, and now. how have you changed since.

so i guess my hair is longer.

the 'last year' photo was just before i left for canada at the end of june, 2009.
out at mum and jon's place in rockvale, filled with hope and apprehension and absolutely no idea of why i was going and where i was going ... hoping something would change.

the 'now' photo, probably a month ago, 2010.
i guess the main difference is that i'm happy here. and i own a lot more junk jewellry. and a lot more clothing i guess. opshop clothing. woopwoop!!

and between the first and second photos i learned to snowboard.

ch ch ch changes (cue bowie)

day 27. why are you doing this thirty day challenge

i thought it might be a bit of fun, something different.

i was blogging a lot more about a month ago. i think it's slowed down because i am working more- i'm putting more mental energy into running the show at work.

i love blogging. i feel like all the friends who inspired me to make a blog have slowed down with their blogs too and i miss their blog entries...

so i am going to pursue this blogging with renewed enthusiasm.

day 26. what you think about your friends

like im going to publish that information online. haha.
i love my friends. i make friends easily but it takes a while before i feel confident to call them 'friends'. however i am pretty free and easy when it comes to adding people on facebook.
it's hard to be away from so many people i love, but the people i'm spending time with here are just amazing, and so much fun, so i've sort of thrown myself into the lifestyle here, hoping for the best.
i think that my friends all know me pretty well. i try to do nice things for people, as i love it when people do nice things for me.
that's what i think about my friends. if you want a personal appraisal, give me 24 hours notice and i'll knock something together for you.

day 25. what i would find in your bag

GET OUT OF MY BAG MAN

1. ipod + skullcandy earbuds
2. iphone
3. iwallet ... jk. regular wallet
4. book. currently reading a gossip girl novel. trashy and delicious
5. pawpaw ointment
6. a banana
7. my phone bill which i still havent paid
8. a cheque for $130 i still havent deposited
9. keys on a dorky moose bottle-opener keyring
10. gum. peppermint because spearmint sucks balls.

so now i guess you know everything about me.

i'm just so grumpy

can't decide if i'm sad sack from the raggy dolls or eeyore.

some freakish combination of both.
stupid crappy everything stuff.

on a Friday: best and worst customer awards

best customer:

shallow, but this cute guy who i know from SOMEWHERE... who knows where, he probably sells me my coffee every day or something, anyway, he made a big donation of clothes and we swapped clever flirty banter each time he brought another bag in. it's the little things that make the day good.

fail = not finding out where he works or if he's leaving town, or staying here to buy me a drink sometime.

worst customer:

this dude came with 2 couches loaded onto a trailer. first of all i was busy helping someone else and he pretty much stopped me in what i was doing and demanded i help him right away. then one of the couches had a huge tear in it. the other smaller one was sellable. so i says to him i says, "we can take the smaller one, but i'm sorry, with a tear the bigger one won't sell, so i'll have to say no to it". and he says "well i'm taking them both to the dump then", gets in his car and drives off.

fail= he obviously got to the dump and didn't want to pay the dumping fees, so he left the smaller couch with us after all. his fail, not mine.
my fail was not being there when he brought the smaller couch back to give him a smug smile.

day 24. a letter to your parents.

mum and dad,

you're pretty awesome.

sure you've left me with a whole bunch of issues to work through, but everyone's got those.

living in whistler makes me miss you and realise how lucky i am that i genuinely want to talk to you, tell you things i've been doing, share exciting things with you.

not everyone has that.

please give me money for my birthday. lots of money.

love helen

day 23. something you crave for alot.

right now, i would quite like to watch 24 hours of gossip girl, uninterrupted. somehow awake the whole time.

a lot of the time i crave glasses of cold milk.

also sometimes all i want is more sleep.

day 22. what makes you different from everyone else

i'm not different from everyone else.

i fall in love, i have warm red blood, i get hangovers, i like brownies, i'm happy when i get my way.

i write and i play guitar. i am a bowerbird collector type.

still this does not make me different from everyone else.

i wear perfume every day of the week. i avoid physical contact. i change my mind all the time. people generally like me but sometimes they forget me.

i never get introduced by anyone.

still, no, no differences to other people there.

i used to feel that no-one could ever know or understand me, and it used to make me melancholy. now i sort of feel that i was hoping i'd meet someone who could read my mind. i think i've grown out of it.

i am not a unique and beautiful snowflake, in the immortal words of brad pitt's tyler durden in fight club.

i'm ok with it.

day 21. a picture of something that makes you happy

christmas eve 2009.
on my way down to dusty's, my favourite pub in whistler, to drink rum and egg nog with bridget and sam who had just arrived in town.

love.

day 20. someone you see yourself being with/marrying in the future

i may be single for the rest of my life, but if by some freak accident i'm not, i would accept someone who meets the following requirements:

just kidding.

whoever i end up with, and i'll be surprised if i marry them but who knows, they will somehow find me charming. despite everything. all this.

they will, obviously, have a sense of humour. otherwise we'll never last.

failing all these options i will marry chace crawford, no worries.

day 19. nicknames you have, why you have them.

i don't have any nicknames.

sometimes my friend kana calls me helenmelon, and i call her kanabanana.

that's about it.

oh, sometimes i get called 'hell' but it never sticks, as i do not encourage it.

day 18. plans/dreams/goals you have

i used to have a lot more plans than i have now. right now my plans go as far as a week away... at most. which is good and bad, because i'm not so good at saving money anymore.
i plan to prepare for the snow to arrive by making my legs and core strong.

i dream of improving my riding skills this winter, and riding 4 days a week. i dream of finding a sweet little place to live with mitch and nicole for winter. i dream of getting cheap secondhand boots so i don't have to spend $200 + on new ones.

my goal for october is not to drink. excepting my birthday and halloween.

day 17. someone you would want to switch lives with for a day and why.

i actually quite like my life. i have a job i like, i have great housemates and lots of friends i like. i have a nice place to live, and in 2 months i will be going snowboarding, which i love.

the only thing i'd like is some occasional sex. but not enough to switch lives with someone.

i guess if there was someone out there who was paid to snowboard because she was so awesome, owned a car, had some cute guy who wasn't her boyfriend but who was easy...

i guess i'd probably be her for a day... one amazing powder day.

day 16. another picture of yourself.

mum took this when we were on the peak to peak, when she came to visit me this summer.

i love my mum.

day 15. put your ipod on shuffle: first ten songs that play.

1. aladdin sane- bowie
2. to bring you my love- paul kelly
3. jump n shout- basement jaxx
4. in my veins- andrew belle
5. all i ask- crowded house
6. dear someone- gillian welch
7. so what- pink
8. girl- the beatles
9. time to pretend- MGMT
10. no lies, just love- bright eyes

day 14. a picture of you and your family.

my whistler family :D

day 13. a letter to someone who has hurt you recently

tricky, but here goes:

(it may be a little angry, probably more angry than hurt)

to whom it may concern:
a person shouldn't fly across the world for another person who thinks they are going to have a special and important week together if that person has actually been seeing someone else for the past 2 months.

because it hurts to hope, especially when you believe you are hoping with good reason, and to have the hope crushed.

mostly i don't care, but then now and then i get quite angry.

day 12. how you found out about blogger and why you made one

ellie had a blog for years. i read it fairly often, then didnt have the internet and didnt read it for ages, then got the internet and read it most days. which i hope ellie knows.

one time i commented to ellie that maybe i should have a blog, and she said to me 'yes but nothing exciting ever happens to you'. so i decided not to get one. it wasn't that awesome to be told by my best friend that my life was boring, but i was old and married, and she was right.

then i moved away and everything changed, shall we say, got more interesting, and one night i discovered indea my stepsister had a blog, and her friend gaby also had one, and i liked them. so i decided it was time.

it was meant to be about awesome things i scored from the thrift store i work at, interspersed with introspective bullshit, but it's sort of side-tracked into enjoyable sludge.

i like blogging. it's comfy.

day 11. another picture of you and your friends

yup i know it's 2 photos but i couldn't choose. i was looking at photos from my melbourne farewell. back when i thought i was only leaving for 6 months.
way back then.

a very small rant about my job, and people, and community service

so i've had a few interactions with "customers" in the past week or so that have left me a little grumpy. probably annoyingly self-righteous too.

i work for community services, at their thrift store. the thrift store is responsible for over 80% of the funding for over 30 programs running in our area. these are programs such as youth outreach, food bank, the greenhouse project, kidsport, support networks for senior citizens, whistler survival guide... those are the big ones. we support more than 15 families in the area, helping them with rent, food, education, clothing... www.mywcss.org

our store runs on donations made by the community. we sort and price everything and it goes for sale. sure, i get paid, but there are a lot of volunteers putting in hours too, cleaning, sorting and organizing. 2 times a year myself and my manager drive to vancouver to compare the prices of other thrift stores with our store. some of the salvation army stores charge up to $400 for a bed. we charge $40 for the same set-up. likewise for books, clothes, linen.

so when a customer asks me to the furniture section for a price, then reacts by saying to their friend, "see, i told you this place screws you", when i have just asked for $30 for a $200 table, when the money is not going into my pocket but into the hands of people who need it, well, that's when i have to bite my tongue. which of course i do, because i am good at my job.

i guess what i mean is, people, not to be all touchy-feely, but love each other. help each other out.

please.

day 10. songs you listen to when you're: happy, sad, mad, hyped, bored.

happy: 'the underdog' by spoon. 'bonkers' and 'dance wiv me' by dizzee rascal. '1901' by phoenix.

sad: '3 rounds and a sound' by blind pilot. 'cosmic love' by florence and the machine. 'sideways' by citizen cope. 'winter song' by sara bareilles and ingrid michaelson

mad: never stay mad very long. probably something from "happy" or "hyped" in an attempt to distract myself.

hyped: '15 step' by radiohead. any of urthboy's back catalogue. ditto bliss n eso. such good riding music. riding is when i'm hyped. stoked in fact.

bored: pop music, currently beyonce, and that song 'dynamite' by taio cruz.
and so many more. so freekin many more.

day 09. something you're proud of in the past few days

i have not succumbed to the urge to do anything naughty.
i have stayed in.

sounds small, but damn it's hard to be good sometimes.

day 08. short term goals for this month.

the month is half done for fucks sake

• start getting winter leg muscles
• purge self of clothes (summer is over man, so over)
• watch season 2 and 3 of gossip girl
• save $500 more for ski pass
• find more music from local natives- new favourite band
• put together september playlist before september is over
• learn 2 new songs on guitar
• drink less. or at least, spend less drinking.

perhaps also dye hair. not sure.
this is local natives:

day 07. a picture of someone/something that has had a big impact on you.

i think really for me, the biggest impacting factors in my life have been books and music.

so many great amazing examples, but i've been thinking carefully to track it back:

the first books i read that made me cry. i got so depressed in the 3rd one when robyn killed herself to save the others that i cried all weekend.

the realisation that someone can create something fictional that draws you in, makes you attached to the characters to the point where losing them is like losing real friends... that definitely had a big impact on me. they're hardly award-winning prose, but i loved them. they're also the first books i was told i wasn't allowed to read because i wasn't old enough yet. obviously i thought 'screw that' and read them anyway.

it made me want to write, to create characters that other people get attached to. i don't know how i would go killing people off, but it's something i really want to try, writing to capture my audience... that's why i want to write teen fiction. i want to move people the way i was moved by these books.

and OK computer is my musical 'big impact'.

i think i was 16. i bought this album in tamworth while mum and i were on a shopping trip.

i bought it because a boy i liked told me radiohead were his favourite band, and i wanted to know more about him by listening to music he liked. it was rainy and we drove back to kentucky and i put it on in the car and it blew my freekin mind.

listening to radiohead opened me up to all sorts of different music, because radiohead taught me that sometimes you have to persist with music, to let it grow on you, so you can hear all the parts, the hidden bits...

and that's the story behind that.

day 06. a favourite super hero and why.

i had a think about it and i guess it has to be batman. several reasons.

• he's just an ordinary guy with no superpowers, but lots of amazing gadgets, and the will to put himself out there, protect gotham from evil...
• he has a deep batman-style voice
• he's a romantic
• he has a good sense of humour, even if it only appears now and then
• they've had great picks for batmans in the movies... excepting michael keaton, but i'm sure he was hot in the 80s/90s, he's just not my type.

i also feel his costume is one of the best ones. i love superman but can never get my head around the concept that he just puts on his glasses and becomes clark kent. i like batman's mask, his cape and his symbol most of all.

however, while finding a batman pic on google, i found this, and i think she is probably my new favourite superhero:

day 05. a picture of somewhere you've been to.

the top of flute, with mitchy and shani, 2 crazy kiwi gals. we hiked up and we rode down in the powdery goodness.

i chose this one because i've been thinking a lot about upcoming winter season and all the things i want to do...

day 04. a habit you wish you didnt have.

i over-think everything.

the pro with this quality is that i write really good essays.

the cons include:
boys i'm interested in hitting the friend zone
not being able to fall asleep
not noticing things right in front of me, or enjoying experiences because i'm about 24 hours ahead of myself

i've been working on it, that's why i moved to canada, that's why i drink and party more than i ever did at home, that's why i love snowboarding, that's why i went bungee jumping.

to escape my over-active brain.

it's a habit i really wish i didn't have.

day 03. a picture of you and your friends.

i love bec and nat. they are good quality pals. they're whistler buddies that i will actually make an effort to see when i get back to australia. they met here, and love each other lots. which gives me hope, but that is not the point really.

the point is that they're leaving in about a week, and i love them both, and yesterday i went bungee jumping with them which was freekin awesome... so they're pretty special now.

love.

day o2. the meaning behind your name.

Helen:

most websites say it means 'light' ... not sure about that, but helen was the one that the whole troy war thingo was about. so i like that. i'm down with the ancient greece.

i like my name. i did go through a brief phase when i was about 6 when i wished my name was tiffany. but i was wearing a lot of pink at the time, y'know?

i don't know any other helen's particularly well. so i pretend i'm the only real helen.

and that's all.

day 01. a recent picture of yourself and 15 interesting facts about yourself.

1. i love hiphop music: bliss n eso, urthboy, eminem, pez. would like to hear more female artists.
2. i rescue books from the recycling where i work all the time. someone has to love them.
3. i hate the sound of tape coming out of a dispenser.
4. sometimes, after skyping with one of my beloveds back in aus, i lay in bed and think about impluse-buying a ticket home.
5. when i was 11 mum bought me and my brothers a gameboy to share, and i was the first one of us to clock Super Mario
6. i am more irresponsible with money than anyone knows, but i always have enough money to eat, so i manage to justify everything.
7. i secretly think that by 25, a person should at least have a vague idea of what they want from their life, but i'm 25 in october and i haven't a clue.
8. when either of my brothers mentions music they like, i download it immediately. because i always end up loving it. because i have brothers with great taste.
9. i've only ever been sick 4 times from drinking too much.
10. now i live in canada i swear a lot more
11. i bite my fingernails and probably will for the rest of my life, because i don't care that much about it. also, my mum still bites hers and since she's the only one i don't want to disappoint, there's no motivation there.
12. i never ever go anywhere without my ipod. i make a playlist every month.
13. i cannot walk in highheels.
14. i like drinking and playing cards.
15. i never used to believe in anything, but now i believe in karma.

a new project stolen from gaby who stole it from laura... but i don't know who laura stole it from

i want to do this, for something different for a month:

day 01. a recent picture of yourself and 15 interesting facts about yourself.
day o2. the meaning behind your name.
day 03. a picture of you and your friends.
day 04. a habit you wish you didnt have.
day 05. a picture of somewhere you've been to.
day 06. a favourite super hero and why.
day 07. a picture of someone/something that has had a big impact on you.
day 08. short term goals for this month.
day 09. something your proud of in the past few days
day 10. songs you listen to when your: happy, sad, mad, hyped, bored.
day 11. another picture of you and your friends.
day 12. how you found out about blogger and why you made one.
day 13. a letter to someone who has hurt you recently.
day 14. a picture of you and your family.
day 15. put your ipod on shuffle: first ten songs that play.
day 16. another picture of yourself.
day 17. someone you would want to switch lives with for a day and why.
day 18. plans/dreams/goals you have.
day 19. nicknames you have, why you have them.
day 20. someone you see yourself being with/marrying in the future.
day 21. a picture of something that makes you happy.
day 22. what makes you differnt from everyone else
day 23. something you crave for alot.
day 24. a letter to you parents.
day 25. what i would find in your bag
day 26. what you think about your friends.
day 27. why are you doing this thirty day challenge.
day 28. a picture of you last year, and now. how have you changed since.
day 29. in this past month, what have you learned.
day 30. who are you?

treasure: bad decisions

1. not eating dinner
2. wearing shoes without socks
3. ignoring the fact i work tomorrow
4. being all sneaky, whistler style
5. not dressing warm... where the fuck did summer go?!
6. much more

i don't really know what i wanted to happen this evening, but i had no plan, and it all sort of failed me. so i got to the bar at 9.30 and then just wanted to be home. so i'm all cozy at home now, with my wine which i stole from mitch (but he did say i could) and beyonce, among other things, playing on the stereo.
sometimes i don't even recognize myself, oh the terrible decisions i make. this week is going to be another corker i can just tell. i need to sort myself out, and just maybe Be Organized.
i have started work on my story, but at the moment it's just the story of failed love. embellished to make it funnier than it is. because in reality it's not funny, it's more than a little sad. but there is comedy in pathetic stalker behaviour, correct? i think so.
i'm working on my karma at the moment. ANY DAY NOW, something wonderful will happen to me. i'm actually hoping it all will save up and i'll have an amazing powder season with a small amount of random romance. a sprinkling. just a sprinkling will do.
failing that i'd be happy with a fuckload of snow.

secret: television addiction

instead of being embarassed about this, i have instead decided to get everyone else addicted too.

treasure: laugh laugh laugh

or at least, at very least, giggle.

secret: whimsy

my crazy sunday night: into town at 10pm. one beer which lasts til 11.30, one sneaky smoke outside, making faces and random chitchat with friendly pretty blonde quebecans who work with my housemate nic, leave the bar at 12.20am, cup of earl grey london fog from moguls, where the boys look at me like i'm an alien (or am i just projecting 'i'm an alien'? don't know), one bus ride home and a walk up a hill listening to john butler's "revolution".

subsequent whimsy occurs. or maybe i just enjoy the word subsequent.

i really miss my little brothers. i am aiming to stop missing people that aren't around. to be. or should i say, to Be.

i watched 'eat pray love' yesterday. i always watch or read things and get a head filled with ideas, travel plans, ways to Be ... like for instance, go to india and live in an ashram for a month. or several. or, to go to Bali and meet a hot foreign man with a strong nose (strong is a nice way to say big. i like big noses).

i would quite like to be a little more enlightened. for now i shall just accept my need to stare at the full moon on a cloudy night and wish i could play guitar like john butler.

treasure: blatant optimism in the face of obvious despair

everything is going to be just fine

have another beer, you'll see.

p.s.

I FUCKING HATE HOW LAZY PEOPLE ARE IN WHISTLER ABOUT INVITING OTHERS TO STUFF. JUST SEND ME A FUCKING TEXT MESSAGE HOW HARD IS THAT, YOU BASTARDS?

secret: general lack thereof

kids, i think i actually have no secrets. slight anxiety.

since i came here, since i let go of the boring, blandness of it all (not that i didn't choose it for myself), of the working and the gym-going and the careful calculations, the planning and the writing of lists, the desire to start screaming randomly mid-conversation, yes, since i left all that, i am somewhat an open book.

my blog is really only answers to questions i wish people would ask me, but i'm not all cut up about it, it's just really to practice writing so when i get started on Real Writing, i have some material.

i don't care if you know i love pop music, i don't care if my jokes are stupid, i don't care what you think of what i wear or where i work, i don't care if you have a problem with my drinking habits.

i don't care if you know i am in love with you, not really. although i guess i'm not going to publish names, but if you really need to know, i will have no hesitation in telling you.

i don't care that i haven't immersed myself in one night stands since i've been single. i don't care who knows that i haven't had any action since may last year.

i'm daggy, i make lame jokes, i'm awkward about doing nice things for people even though i do nice things for people all the time, about physical affection unless i really really love you like my brother/sister, i should exercise more and shave my legs more often, and probably wax my eyebrows. but

i. do. not. care.

there you are, there you have it. i'm enlightened.

and right now i really fucking love beyonce.

treasure: bananas, blueberries, strawberries

i like smoothies.

i had a lovely smoothie on friday with mitch, my housemate. we ate breakfast wraps, a wonderful thing i'd never experienced before coming to canada. we had smoothies. then we looked at all the stuff, the people and whatnot, around the village for the crankworx festival.

then we went to the lake, smoked a joint and lay in the sun where i pretended to read a book.

i am not really a smoker but smoking at the lake and then laying there, blissful and snug in the sun, was just what the doctor ordered. it was my first weekend off since february. loved it. loved every single bit of it.

so listen, lack of readers: i have things i want to achieve. i want to write a short story. i want to play and sing at an open mic night. i want these things to happen before 2011 hits. also i want to have the very best halloween costume ever.

you, my lack of readers, you have to hold me to this.

ok? ok.

i think my short story is going to be a typically angsty 'trying to find my place in the world' story based loosely on myself and people i have met in whistler, as that's all there is in the way of people... anyone from 19 to 40, trying to get their shit together in one of the most beautiful places on earth.

and i think my open mic will include a song by kate miller-heidke, a song by death cab, and some other ones too.

i'm open to suggestions.

secret: cigarettes, alcohol, wishes

i'm not sure what this post is about, but i am all whimsical tonight- i had dinner, wines and tobacco with my lovely housemate nicole, and another friend jon, and now i'm sitting on YouTube listening to covers of songs i love by randoms with webcams. they'll let anyone on the internet these days (i mean, look, they let me have a blog).

I am on the verge of my first whole weekend since i finished up at my second job. I have many glorious plans, like dancing all night on friday at DJ nu mark (who is apparently a big deal, but i just like to dance, i'm not fussy), watching a cheese rolling competition and then slopestyle for crankworx, a big bike festival which is on at the moment. crankworx makes me miss my lovely brothers, who would be so much more stoked to be here than i am. i spoke to them both recently, and woke up homesick this morning.

i'm on the brink of something. time to myself. writing, music. the air, the flowers (so many daisies by the side of the road). realizations. i'm scared.

bring it on.

treasure: fuck i love pop music

yeah i know it's corny but i do not care, so there.

me.

secret: !!!?!??!?!

FUCK ME I WISH I WENT TO SPLENDOUR IN THE GRASS

AND I WISH I WAS GOING TO BAR ETIQUETTE TONIGHT FOR MY FRIENDS' BIRTHDAY

I MISS MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS

BUT I AM NOT GOING BACK. SEE WHY?!!!?!?!?!

treasure: music

not to be too dramatic or anything, but uh, without music i would die.

i'm so in love with my july playlist, i don't want to let it go. i'm sad it's august, and it's time for a new playlist. because i love love love it. anyway, i guess discovering new stuff is what keeps me happy. i want to make some more music of my own.

my all time best music experience lately was getting drunk with nicole and sitting on our balcony, singing harmonies for 'space they cannot touch' by kate miller heidke. the first time i ever saw her play that song was years and years ago, before she was on the radio. she played at woodford folk festival in 2003, and i was in love (foolishly as he turned out to be a crazy person) and blissfully happy in the ridiculous queensland tropical summer, sitting on a mountainside, sweating from everywhere, gloriously uncaring of every crappy thing in the world for the pure joy of sitting with my bare feet in the grass, with a teeny breeze, listening to a chick with an amazing voice.

the point of it all is, music listening is the one thing that i am always happy to do. whatever mood, wherever i am. it makes everything better, even if it makes you feel worse, for the enhancement of melancholy ... i like a little melancholy now and then (i hope i am spelling it right).

i am glad i can play guitar. i sang a song for nicole and she liked it. so now i feel brave. maybe soon i will record some things.

i like pleasure spiked with pain and music is my aeroplane

... is my aeroplane

secret: dreams

i had a dream about you 3 nights ago
you cut your hair

you look better with it short.

now i look for you everywhere with your short hair.

treasure:precious, precious time

10 minutes is really not enough time to blog when i also have to put shoes on and check in the mirror to make sure i don't look scary to other people, but i am going to blog briefly anyway.

i have felt for the last 4 months like i am running out of time. perpetually running out of time. it's probably because i have been working so much, and whenever i get a spare second all i want to do is sleep.

i need more time- time to read books and write poems and eat a proper dinner and go running and write letters to my long lost loved ones, the ones who i think of and miss and never get time to tell them so.

soon, oh so soon, i will have my weekends, and oh! the things i will do.

secret: too much sugar makes me overshare

i work at a supermarket, well i've given notice, so in a week i will no longer work there, but that is not the point- the point is right now, i work in a supermarket.

i worked there today. i also worked at my other job, the thrift store, which meant that i worked from 9.30am to 10.15 pm. not ideal.

to compensate i ate too much sugar.

then about 8.30pm i started telling personal things to total strangers (customers) and giggling in a somewhat hysterical manner at my own jokes, which were disjointed at best, and mostly competely random.

i wish i could be a bit cooler sometimes, that's all.

treasure: new friends, old friends

i had drinks with a new friend tonight, and then some old friends.

sara works with me and is awesome and does things like run AWARE which is a environmental program for kids to teach them about caring about the world they live in. she also runs the foodbank which helps out people who are hungry.

she is taking me on the slow food cycle on the 15th, which is in pemberton and you pedal along a nice flat road, stopping at farms to eat things they have made, like homemade icecream sandwiches.

i drank margaritas with her on the cittas patio, then i came home to find andy here, he is leaving town tomorrow morn, forever, he has been a great friend for the past year who comes from glen innes, so one day we will probs have a beer in farmidale.

also pat and karen came over to visit, and they fit into the new friends catgeory as i'm still getting to know them, but karen is awesome and we are going downhill biking together on monday for ladies night, because WE are LADIES.

it's nice to be around people you like, even if you are still just getting to know them. it makes me smile quietly. also if i'm happy when people are around i generally make funnier jokes and smile heaps, and i like myself when i'm like that.

happy birthday matt

Dear Matt,

it's not your first birthday but i still hope you enjoy the blog cake. i miss you all the way over in englandland, and am glad you aren't staying there.

looking forward to you coming to visit whistler, or me going to visit you in one of your many exotic mountain locations.

with much love

helen

treasure: matt

when i moved to canada i was shit-scared. of all the people i didn't know, of all the cars being on the wrong side of the road, of the fact that i had to learn to snowboard and i had no balance, hand-eye co-ordination, or general finesse (everyone please note that i have learned to snowboard and love it... duh...).

i only knew hugh, my little brother, who i had not lived with or spent any quality time with since he was 13. a bit of a gamble.

it needed to be done, the Leaving of Home- nothing at all was going right, and i only realised the extent of the general shite-ness of my past life about 3 months into my extended vacation. i did lose a boyfriend, and i am sorry about that, but i guess you can't fight fate, or something.

i've met many awesome people in whistler town, quickly making the discovery that while everyone is really friendly, not everyone wants to be your friend. so it helped to have my brother there with his surprisingly good taste in people, and so in this way i met matt.

matt is funny and has the exact same taste in music as me, so i like him on that basis alone. but there is so much more to it. matt and i were drunk text buddies for a while, in order to try and avoid texting our crushes and ruining things. to be honest i think i did better at this than he did.

not to get too deep or any such thing, but it is hard, when you are trying to figure out exactly who you want to be, when you've moved countries and no-one knows you, and you have free rein, to be the best version of yourself. it helps to know people like matt, who introduce you to such fun things as london fogs, and nightclubbing.

so i hope that one day soon i will be living with matt in revelstoke, and everything will be sweet. admittedly right now this is just a crazy dream. but i think we can make it happen.

here's a nice song for matt.

secret: i don't know

i can't stop watching tv.

i want to go to india. and i want to go DH biking. and stop biting my fingernails. i hope tomorrow all my favourites are at work.

i want a new and better job. i want to practise my guitar more. and i want to play an open mic night. i want to discover a new favourite band.

i wish i knew what to be when i grow up.

treasure: beer

i gave up beer for a while. now i am drinking it again. soon i will try to give it up again. then ... well lets face it i haven't got a good track record with this have i...

beer is just so so freekin delicious when it's cold, and the day is hot.

secret: love love boring love

the sun has been out and glorious for the last 2 weeks, for my holidays and stuff.

i have been wearing a summery dress and feeling all summery. it's been quite grand.

i don't want to work anymore, so i guess, i need to find someone rich, and make them pay for me. and in return i will love them, or at least pretend really well. i'm pretty good at pretending stuff like that.

i am getting a list of crushes longer than my tiny little arms. i just keep finding more people to be quietly in love with. what the fuck is wrong with me. ah well. pretty sure that any time any guy is even nice to me i fall in love with him. is that ok?

it's stupid and boring. everyone is stupid and boring, and loving people that doesn't love you back is boring, and i'm just a bit grumpy.

treasure: mountains, mountains, oh mountains!

i have fallen in lust and in love with the rockies. they are all i have been looking at and thinking about for the last 5 days, i have fallen damned hard.

i think i need to be near mountains always. ones with snow on. how can i ever go home now i know how much i love the mountains?

and riding in winter. mmm. is it bad to wish it was winter again, when summer has really only just kicked in? i feel like everything is just one big wait for winter. i am such a winter person. riding and apres and warm headwear (give me another winter in canada and i'll be calling a beanie a toque). powder powder powder.

i send a prayer to the snow gods: give me another good powder season.

then i think i might do a year of double winters. it's getting serious.

basically, this has the makings of a long-term relationship.

secret: i'm scared that if i have holidays for too long, i won't want to go back to work again. ever.

my job is assistant manager at a thrift store. sounds like the coolest job on the planet, right? well mostly it is, but i have a fairly intense boss, and i have a big workload too.

i currently have 2 weeks holidays, which makes me dizzy with excitement, except that i will get used to not having work run my life, and i won't want to go back. so. what to do?

perhaps just... not. go. back.

but then i can't afford to stay in whistler, and that makes me do a sad face :(

if i can't afford to stay in whistler then i cannot snowboard, drink excessively without any need for excuses, or see small black bears.

and small black bears are RE-ALLLY freekin cute.